Friday, August 29, 2008

Open Letter to the "N".

Dear N,

Were you too ashamed to even sign your name to the nasty little note you sent me? Take responsibility for your self because I have all ready done the same. I use the word whore, not because you like to fuck, but because a real whore has a cold heart and doesn't give a fuck about who they hurt. That is how you act. But I guess u need a cold heart to make it in the corporate world. Maybe you need to know why I love you so much and why your new corporate self is a SELL OUT.

You know we go deep. Why you threw away your spiritual self for your ex-husband is mind blowing. You are the one that started with the past lives first and foremost you seen them first. That book that you gave me-"Positive Magic" changed my life. I still use things I learned in that book this day. Although I ended up doing dope, leaving NYC in 94 just put off my heroin addiction. But even as I was getting high, I was still practicing my spirituality, still doing my art, still hanging onto hope and still expanding my spirit. It seems like you just threw away all your beliefs because if you did not throw them away then I am sure you would have the self-love to communicate with me. But you don't.

Don't you remember all of our hopes, dreams and the promises you made to me? Just because you have a different life does not mean that we cannot still collaborate on some projects and have the life we wanted before heroin entered our lives. I had nothing to do with your heroin addiction. I had nothing to do with anything that happened to you after I left. It's not my fault. I know that you are living for your mom. She is the ones who doesn't want you to be anything but straight and corporate. Although she was a painter, I am pretty sure she does not support you on any of the things you wanted to do artistic wise. You threw away your hopes and dreams to live the life your mom wanted you to live. You might as well use your real last name because that is the person you mom wants you to be and the person you became. The person I loved is all of that. Your TV character was annoying at times to me and others. Nico Star was not the person I was in love with. So you can take that thought and put it in the garbage because it is not true. Saying you are not that person anymore is a cop out. Obviously you are not the same person and either am I. But telling me that we were going to be together in the future many, many times and then just not acknowledging that fact is bold face self deceit. I hung onto that and you know why. You are still that person that I fell in love with even though you pretend not to be. How unhappy are you?

Yeh you might have a career, money and respect in your field but are you happy? You may have some abusive boyfriend that fills the hole the dude who raped you left. Don't you get it? Don't you see why you go after one unhealthy relationship to the next? Wake up. All I wanted you to know was that I loved you, that I will always love you whether we are just friends or something more. What the fuck is so wrong with that. I know you love me, You have told me in spirit for years that you do. It is so obvious that me coming out as transgendered freaked you out. You read 70 of my blog posts before you sent me an email telling me I creeped you out. Wake up! I know that bothered you, but why? Didn't you tell me that you wished I was a guy? So whats the problem. Trust me transitioning has nothing whatsoever to do with you. I would never do something like that for anyone but myself. All I am doing is having my chest reconstructed and becoming the person that I should have been born as. You have no idea why I could not express myself sexually to you. It had to do with the fact that I did not feel comfortable in the sex I was born with. I could not transfer what was going on in my brain to my body. I felt ashamed about it too. It is deep.

You are not a very nice person. How can you live with yourself? You need to give me the time of day. I did a lot for you. Without me your show would never have been the success it was. Many people I knew in the LES disliked you. Almost everyone at the Continental disliked you and the way they saw you treating me. (I am sorry to tell you this truth, I loved you though and did not care what they thought) Everyone except me knew that you were using me. When Sassy came out, Lara and everyone I worked with was disgusted at the fact that my name was what mentioned once. I would never take credit for the work that I did not do, but if it was not for me, that magazine article would have never happened. It was my love for you and your love for me that made the show so fucking awesome. Plus our talent together was just unstoppable. I am sorry I did not realize what happened the night you told me you loved me until a year later and that is the truth. That night was an alcoholic black out. I really did not know what happened until I was hypnotized (in a sense) in 95 and it came to light. Why do you think I never said anything or apologized, because I had no idea what happened and that hurt.

I deserve your respect. I am sorry if unconditional love scares you, but I will always love you and always be there for you--even if you don't give a shit--it is the truth. I left NYC, but you left me. You threw away our friendship for heroin and a cock. Don't you fucking get it? Don't u think I deserve more than the shitty treatment you have given me over the past year. Let me tell you something, my silicone cock is better than any real cock you will ever thrust inside of you. First of all it stays hard all night and is only for your pleasure. Second there is so much love in it, more love than any real cock will ever pretend to have for you. Third it feels fucking amazing, I know I fuck myself with it all the time. If we could of just accepted the strap on that needed to be between us, things would have been a lot better.

I can't wait to finish my book and make the movie about us so everyone can see why I love you so much, why you mean so much to me and why I am in so much pain over us. I did one thing to you, one thing in all those years and that was take my jackets. Let me tell you why that happened.

First of all the whole week before I went in and took them, I was having the same nightmare every night. In the dream Brian was making fun of me and telling me that he was going to steal the jackets and I was never going to see them again. In the dream he taunted me so bad that when I woke up-it felt like the taunting was still going on. I had the same dream every night for almost a week. It was so bad. His spirit taunted mine not only in the dream but when I was awake. I have never since had this happened to me and when I went in and took the jackets-the dreams and the taunting stopped. It was really bad and really scary. It is one of the major symptoms of my post traumatic stress disorder. I have not had anything like that happen to me since. I had to get the jackets because that was the only way the dreams were going to stop and believe me they did. This is not an excuse. It is the truth. It hurt and i thought I was losing my mind for good. Like I said not since then have I had dreams that taunt me every night like that. I am sorry. It seems like his soul did that on purpose because even he knew that you needed me. He even told me so. I am sorry that it happened but it was the only thing I did wrong to you. The only thing. Those dreams sabotaged us. His soul did it on purpose. Get it?

I wish I did not love you so much. I really do, but I cannot help myself. We go very deep. I can't do anything but write intense poetry about you. It helps me, plus they are really good. What happened to your writer? Is she in the garbage can too. Such a shame because you really are an awesome writer. Remember when we use to write together? To be honest with you we were meant to be an artistic power couple-husband and wife. But I was born in the wrong body.



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