Friday, August 29, 2008

Open Letter to the "N".

Dear N,

Were you too ashamed to even sign your name to the nasty little note you sent me? Take responsibility for your self because I have all ready done the same. I use the word whore, not because you like to fuck, but because a real whore has a cold heart and doesn't give a fuck about who they hurt. That is how you act. But I guess u need a cold heart to make it in the corporate world. Maybe you need to know why I love you so much and why your new corporate self is a SELL OUT.

You know we go deep. Why you threw away your spiritual self for your ex-husband is mind blowing. You are the one that started with the past lives first and foremost you seen them first. That book that you gave me-"Positive Magic" changed my life. I still use things I learned in that book this day. Although I ended up doing dope, leaving NYC in 94 just put off my heroin addiction. But even as I was getting high, I was still practicing my spirituality, still doing my art, still hanging onto hope and still expanding my spirit. It seems like you just threw away all your beliefs because if you did not throw them away then I am sure you would have the self-love to communicate with me. But you don't.

Don't you remember all of our hopes, dreams and the promises you made to me? Just because you have a different life does not mean that we cannot still collaborate on some projects and have the life we wanted before heroin entered our lives. I had nothing to do with your heroin addiction. I had nothing to do with anything that happened to you after I left. It's not my fault. I know that you are living for your mom. She is the ones who doesn't want you to be anything but straight and corporate. Although she was a painter, I am pretty sure she does not support you on any of the things you wanted to do artistic wise. You threw away your hopes and dreams to live the life your mom wanted you to live. You might as well use your real last name because that is the person you mom wants you to be and the person you became. The person I loved is all of that. Your TV character was annoying at times to me and others. Nico Star was not the person I was in love with. So you can take that thought and put it in the garbage because it is not true. Saying you are not that person anymore is a cop out. Obviously you are not the same person and either am I. But telling me that we were going to be together in the future many, many times and then just not acknowledging that fact is bold face self deceit. I hung onto that and you know why. You are still that person that I fell in love with even though you pretend not to be. How unhappy are you?

Yeh you might have a career, money and respect in your field but are you happy? You may have some abusive boyfriend that fills the hole the dude who raped you left. Don't you get it? Don't you see why you go after one unhealthy relationship to the next? Wake up. All I wanted you to know was that I loved you, that I will always love you whether we are just friends or something more. What the fuck is so wrong with that. I know you love me, You have told me in spirit for years that you do. It is so obvious that me coming out as transgendered freaked you out. You read 70 of my blog posts before you sent me an email telling me I creeped you out. Wake up! I know that bothered you, but why? Didn't you tell me that you wished I was a guy? So whats the problem. Trust me transitioning has nothing whatsoever to do with you. I would never do something like that for anyone but myself. All I am doing is having my chest reconstructed and becoming the person that I should have been born as. You have no idea why I could not express myself sexually to you. It had to do with the fact that I did not feel comfortable in the sex I was born with. I could not transfer what was going on in my brain to my body. I felt ashamed about it too. It is deep.

You are not a very nice person. How can you live with yourself? You need to give me the time of day. I did a lot for you. Without me your show would never have been the success it was. Many people I knew in the LES disliked you. Almost everyone at the Continental disliked you and the way they saw you treating me. (I am sorry to tell you this truth, I loved you though and did not care what they thought) Everyone except me knew that you were using me. When Sassy came out, Lara and everyone I worked with was disgusted at the fact that my name was what mentioned once. I would never take credit for the work that I did not do, but if it was not for me, that magazine article would have never happened. It was my love for you and your love for me that made the show so fucking awesome. Plus our talent together was just unstoppable. I am sorry I did not realize what happened the night you told me you loved me until a year later and that is the truth. That night was an alcoholic black out. I really did not know what happened until I was hypnotized (in a sense) in 95 and it came to light. Why do you think I never said anything or apologized, because I had no idea what happened and that hurt.

I deserve your respect. I am sorry if unconditional love scares you, but I will always love you and always be there for you--even if you don't give a shit--it is the truth. I left NYC, but you left me. You threw away our friendship for heroin and a cock. Don't you fucking get it? Don't u think I deserve more than the shitty treatment you have given me over the past year. Let me tell you something, my silicone cock is better than any real cock you will ever thrust inside of you. First of all it stays hard all night and is only for your pleasure. Second there is so much love in it, more love than any real cock will ever pretend to have for you. Third it feels fucking amazing, I know I fuck myself with it all the time. If we could of just accepted the strap on that needed to be between us, things would have been a lot better.

I can't wait to finish my book and make the movie about us so everyone can see why I love you so much, why you mean so much to me and why I am in so much pain over us. I did one thing to you, one thing in all those years and that was take my jackets. Let me tell you why that happened.

First of all the whole week before I went in and took them, I was having the same nightmare every night. In the dream Brian was making fun of me and telling me that he was going to steal the jackets and I was never going to see them again. In the dream he taunted me so bad that when I woke up-it felt like the taunting was still going on. I had the same dream every night for almost a week. It was so bad. His spirit taunted mine not only in the dream but when I was awake. I have never since had this happened to me and when I went in and took the jackets-the dreams and the taunting stopped. It was really bad and really scary. It is one of the major symptoms of my post traumatic stress disorder. I have not had anything like that happen to me since. I had to get the jackets because that was the only way the dreams were going to stop and believe me they did. This is not an excuse. It is the truth. It hurt and i thought I was losing my mind for good. Like I said not since then have I had dreams that taunt me every night like that. I am sorry. It seems like his soul did that on purpose because even he knew that you needed me. He even told me so. I am sorry that it happened but it was the only thing I did wrong to you. The only thing. Those dreams sabotaged us. His soul did it on purpose. Get it?

I wish I did not love you so much. I really do, but I cannot help myself. We go very deep. I can't do anything but write intense poetry about you. It helps me, plus they are really good. What happened to your writer? Is she in the garbage can too. Such a shame because you really are an awesome writer. Remember when we use to write together? To be honest with you we were meant to be an artistic power couple-husband and wife. But I was born in the wrong body.



Thursday, August 28, 2008

You Hurt Me

You hurt me,
when you took our friendship and threw it in the garbage,
You hurt me.

You Hurt me,
when you neglected your feelings for me,
You hurt me.

You hurt me,
with all your lies,
You Hurt me.

You Hurt me,
with your cold heart and corporate ways,
You hurt me.

You hurt me,
with all your self hate,
You hurt me.

You Hurt me,
when you thew yourself away,
You hurt me.

You Hurt me,
when You said you loved me,
You hurt me.

You hurt me,
but you will never ever hurt me again.
You hurt me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

It's Ok.

It's ok that you are
too sorry to care,
too unhappy to love,
to afraid to be-
who you are.

It's ok that you
got freaked out by
my admission of
the transitions
I face going from
female to male.

It's ok that you
sent me a horrible,
disgusting email.
It is obvious why
you sent it.

It's ok if you
still love me,
you never said you didn't
captain obvious.

It's ok,
really it's ok.
I will try and hate you

Nothing Means Nothing Anymore

Nothing means Nothing anymore.
It's sad that people cannot love one another
like they are suppose too because
nothing means nothing anymore.

Throwing away something special and rare is a sin,
nothing means nothing anymore.
I wish I saw through your lies.
Nothing means nothing anymore.

Taking delight in your suffering,
is something I cannot do,
nothing means nothing anymore-
but it means something to me.

Coming Out as Transgendered.

My whole life I have never felt like a female, although I have not seriously been attracted to girls as much as you would think, I have always felt like a male in a female body. As a small child I use to cry by myself because I was not a boy. Throughout my life, until I found punk and hardcore, I felt like an alien in the world I was forced upon. Throughout my twenties I came to accept the fact that I was queer when I fell seriously in love with a woman. But because I never felt right in my own skin, I blew it by not expressing myself sexually, mostly because I just could not transfer the sexual feelings in my brain to my body. Throw in the fact that this woman would tell me she wished I was a man and when we were in bed told me I could not make love to her because I did not have a cock.

All of that seriously damaged my psyche for years to come. There were many other things that she said that caused me pain for the rest of my life so far. Making me a seriously damaged individual unable to love or trust anyone with my love. Now that it is 2008 there are many options available for someone like myself who is transgendered, which is the term to describe someone who was born as the wrong sex. I have decided to take some of those options and use them for myself.

Finally accepting the fact that I am trans feels the same as if I had just accepted the fact that I am an addict. I have been afraid of life for many, many years and it is mostly because I do not feel at home in my body. I had always wanted a sex change when I was younger but only now do I realize it is possible. I have met many Female to Male transgendered people and most of them look great. You would never know that they were once female unless you asked them. For the past 2 years I have been considered starting the process of "becoming" a male but just recently I have made the choice to go through with it.

Even though I will always be both sexes, at least now I will look more like I feel. I am going to start to take testosterone and eventually get chest reconstruction surgery within the next 6 months. I am not messing with the bottom because I know that I can never have a "real" functioning penis. But the testosterone will make my clit grow giving me a small penis that will just function as a sexual tool. Mine is all ready pretty huge so I am sure that the growth will be substantial. (sorry if some of you can't handle that fact. Grow up if you feel uncomfortable.)

I am hoping the Testosterone will help me not be afraid to live anymore. I all ready shave my face everyday and have been since 2001 because my family is cursed with female facial hair, which I cannot stand. Just now my hair will be thicker and I could grow a beard but I probably will not. My trans issues are a huge reason that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hope doing all of this will help me in my struggles. The only difference you will physically see is the fact that my boobs are not so fucking huge anymore, my facial features will square off a little and my voice will be deeper. I am stoked on all of it. Especially the voice change because I am starting a hardcore/punk/poprock band.

Anyway I hope none of my friends or fans have a problem with it. It is my body anyway and it is the only thing I have. I live for myself not for anyone else including my family, friends and fans. It is time that someone like myself was in the public eye. We are not these bodies. Life is deep. I live a spiritual life knowing why the reasons my soul is the way it is. I am a reincarnated spiritual master in a transgendered punkrock body and I rule!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Even though I am an Asshole

Even though I am an asshole
calling you names.
I realize now that things
could never be the same
between you and me
even though I never expected
to be
as they use to be.

Even though I am pissed
at your cruel response to
feelings through poetry-
a guilty little pleasure for you,
don't you agree,
still reading I see.

Even though i despairingly hate
the mean and nasty person,
being with him made you become,
I say shame on thee
for still loving you

Never Looking Back

Going Full Board

Realizing what a fucking asshole you are has saved my life.
I am going full steam ahead with the book
about the damage you caused my soul to go through.
You can suck it, you fool.

Realizing how much of a fucking whore you are has saved my life.
Your neighbor told me you are open all night,
sleeping with anything in sight.
May your life be full of strife.

If I had known what an awful human being you were,
I would have never given you a light for your smoke,
and blew you off the night,
when you attempted to bring me home for some poke, poke.

Nobody acts like you do.
How the fuck are you still moving about-
someone should of popped you a long time ago
straight in the mouth.

I hope you rot in misery
All those days you sit and pout
you have no idea whatsoever,
what life is really about.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Artistic Egos

There are many, many forms of creative expression out there in the world today. Technology has opened up a whole new realm for creative expression. But those technologies will never be better or more important than the classic outlets- writing, poetry, painting, theater, film, spoken word, performance art-those real life forms of expression are very important to the survival of mankind. You may not agree but a world without paintings, poetry, books, theater, film etc, would be an angry dark place.

Just because someone made money at one time with their creative outlet does not mean that there work is any better than a painter that painted 200 paintings but has not made any money off of them. Art is for the soul. Artist like me have no choice but to eventually make money of off their art because it is all they have. I cannot handle regular jobs like most non-artists. Being stuck inside of some cubical with a cash register for 8 hours makes me fucking nuts. Being a starving artist whose soul can only do what it was designed for is a disability is this world today. I cannot handle the way the world is designed. The pain that was forced upon me without doing anything to deserve it ruins my faith in the good of the world. Is the world such a fucked up place that to love is a sin, to not care and be cold hearted the order of the day?

There is nothing wrong with love. People are suppose to love each other. Love does not always mean the object of that love is tied down because of it. Love does not have to mean-we have sex, we go out, we move in together, we get married. Love scares people because they are so use to hate and darkness. No one should ever run from love. If I tell you that I love you it means I have a high amount of respect for you, that I enjoy being in your presence, that I am happy to be in your life and that I care deeply about you. It does not automatically mean I want to have sex with you and tie you down. Love is for everyone and every kind of relationship. People are so afraid of love that they run from it, call it 'stalking', call it insanity and treat it like a disease. Telling someone how you feel about them is very important to your health. People should not judge it. If someone tells you that they love you-don't run, don't hide-be honored that they do. No matter what the dynamic of the relationship-love means your loved. Whether you love that person back or not-there is no reason to be afraid. If you do love that person back-it does not mean that you need to be afraid of being tied down or losing your freedom. All souls are free. No one belongs to anyone else. Even married people are not owned by their mates. There is a responsibility to upkeep when you are married but at no time do the people belong to each other. We are all free.

Some egos of artists are ugly. Artists tend to get jealous easy of other peoples talent or successes. I am writer not only because I need to write, but because it is all I have wanted to be since before I could even write. As a child I would fill pages with scribble pretending to write books. My writing is therapeutic but it is also my livelihood. It is easy to make money off of writing, especially if you have journalistic tendencies, which I do. But in my case I am lazy and the heart break I have been dealing with for 15 years has held me back from getting my boxes upon boxes of books transcribed because of the physical pain the heart break creates. The pain has held me back from making money off of my art because I am into much pain to deal with life.

My writing is not just therapeutic poetry. My writings and paintings are all I have. they are everything. Even though others might have made tons of money off of their talent, my stuff is worth more than all the money in the world, because it is amazing and it is mine. I have been told by my college professors in the late 90's that my books are amazing and completely publishable, that my paintings are a unique form of abstract spiritual art that takes your breath away. My form is not the best, I have absolutely no training in painting and my stuff is very simple-but the geometric shapes and colors that permeate my stuff are absolutely amazingly necessary.

Don't ever minimize my art and writing because I am not you or because I am not making money off of them. My stuff is just waiting to be published, just waiting to be discovered by the art world. I have not presented my work publicly that many times, but each time that I did-success was mine.

+The first time I entered a juried painting show at a museum in CT, one of my paintings was picked out of 1000 entries. Mine was one of 50 they chose.

+The First time I took my portfolio around New York City, I sold a painting I did of my spirit to Henri Bendell-a huge fashion design company out of NYC. They made a fancy, runway model type shirt out of this painting I did of my spirit.

+The first poetry slam competition I entered I came in second. That is really good, especially for the first time.

+ The first TV show (on Public Access) that I was half of with the person who caused all my pain, was highly successful. Our show was rated number one for public access shows on MNN cable in 93 for 6 months. It was only the 2 of us.

Everything I touch artistically turns to gold. Many people probably don't believe it because of all the pain I am in, I am not out there going full board trying to sell it. But that is about to change. Stars don't fade, they explode.

Never Looking Back

Evil Beyond Human

To the rapist of my heart.

Some people are evil beyond human
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

Lately I have been dealing with heavy, heavy shit. Does anyone know what it feels like when someone you loved more than the world fucks with your sanity? Fucking with someone's head and heart for no reason is beyond awful. Especially when that person ends up denying that anything happened. As if what was between them never existed when there was nothing but deep intense love and creative commitment, months and months of empty promises for the future but really nothing but having your head fucked with. Sometimes people do things to each other and it is easy to let go of the pain, then there are some people's hurt that is never ending, that won't let go and dissipate. I have been carrying around the same pain for almost 15 years. No matter what I do it doesn't get better. The many reasons for my shell shock, my inability to have successful relationships, the depression and pain that keeps me from being able to work in any sense of normality is all based on the actions of one person that loved me. I find it fascinating that I am using the words loved me-when all this person did was say awful painful ridiculous stuff to deflect from the self hate inside. There were a handful of stuff that this person said that completely ruined me. As much as I tried to let it go and get over it-the intense, deep damage had been done. With deep love comes deep responsibility. Throwing someone in the garbage in order to become a junkie whore is some messed up shit. The damage that this person did to me will never leave, I just have to learn to live around it.

Life is not fair. I have always been a non-violent, spiritual person that had some minor issues with self-esteem and inner, bottled up pain. I did nothing to deserve the shotty treatment I received from my best friend, creative partner and "wife". I can't hope but anything but pain and anguish for this person. I hope this person burns in the hell fires where nasty little deflecting liars goto rot. I did not want to suffer and have these issues for most of my adult life. Suffering and pain are not fun. I have not been able to trust anyone at all with my heart, friendship and love because of the actions of one evil, rotten human being. It has been 15 years and I realized that this person raped my heart and soul. I have been torn apart and no matter how hard my counselors and friends try, I cannot be put back together again. Its sad but I will carry on the best I can like the soldier that I am, but she raped me without a cock. Even the best of soldiers get shell shock.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Creeped Out.

Apparently love is creepy,
denial and hate is a much
better reaction,
this girl loves me,
call in the authorities,
she's creep.

Unwarranted love,
there is no such thing.
All love is warranted,
every person in love
has their reasons
for loving that person.

I am damaged,
my love is creepy-
I am a creep for never getting over you.
I am a creep
now what I am suppose to do.
Ain't love grand.

Haunted by past lives
and all the moments in this
one that you were in,
I have no idea how to move on,
except change my name
and become a new person.

She will forever
be haunted by me.
No matter what-
it's not my fault,
Your a creep too.

I can't help,
but love you forever.
I wish I didn't,
suffering is not something,
I signed up to do.

I have been crying these
tears of pain,
for so long-
I cannot see any sort
of future in front of me.

I am so damaged
it's not so fun,
maybe your damaged too.
I thought you were a writer,
but now your just a fool.

I can't escape my love for you.
I ran all the way across the country
but you still haunt me everywhere,
You use to be a writer,
but now your just a fool.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Best of Both Worlds.

I am sitting in Seattle,
the place where I began to rot
among the depressed, angry thieves
that scowl my neighborhood
for junkie plunder.

I recall the days when I
was a junkie that whored
a few times for a few
shitty, wet bags
from a drug dealer in the
Lower east side of New York City.
Go ahead please feel free
to want to call me out
on any shit you perceive (word of the day) necessary.

I am sitting watching the
seattle sun go down behind
the gray rainy clouds that
come aroaring across
the Olympic peninsula
into Seattle and Capitol Hill.
I am done calling you out
on perceived hatreds and wrongs
that have nothing to do
with how I feel
about you. It's over-
done and done. I have let it go
through telling you how I felt
about it.

As the seasons change I recall
the many reasons that my soul
needs you.
In your arms
the bad times shall slip away,
there was never anything but love,
that was all I ever had for you.
But wicked things can happen...
you see 'em goin' down in war.
Now that there over-
I return home to your shore.

I will always be
the best of both worlds.
Now that the seasons are changing
all the facts of the matter
are clear
I will always
be the best
of both worlds
but there is so much
more to becoming a man
than just looking like one.
The best of both worlds,
I can't wait to take you
in my arms once again
and be the best of both worlds.

This has always been my problem,
not being able to
be who I am on the inside
the reason for many of my
lifetime mistakes.
Now that I can be
who I need to be
to complete myself.
I am reincarnating
within the same lifetime.
But there is so much more
to becoming a man
than just looking like one.
I will always be
the best of both worlds.
The one that
completes yours.

The End.

The Carrier

I love you,
I am the carrier.


in my heart.

Becoming male for you,
is something I want to do.
the person you need me to be
Becoming male for me-
the search for inner peace
in the world around me.
The body I carry in this lifetime-
is the best of both worlds-
something whole, perfect and incomplete.

In side of me-
I am falling apart,
without the love
that I need
to complete me.


But I know that somewhere,
it's waiting for me-
the love that keeps
out the endless seattle rain of pain,
that shelter of the soul
that is inside of me.
the love that makes you complete
cries in the shadow of
the northwest mountains
3000 miles from where
I yearn to be.
Oh sweet lord come back to me.

These mountains are calling
you home to thee.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sea of Heartbreak

For Nico Star.

I love you so much girl.
I am sailing on this Sea of Heartbreak,
waiting for your beacon
to bring me back to shore.

I am looking and looking-
peering through this fog of lies
and self deceit,
waiting for you to come back
home to me.

This Sea of Heartbreak,
has washed me out
farther from shore.
without your love there is no
lighthouse for me.

Sea of Heartbreak


Don Gibson

The lights in the harbor don't shine for me

I'm like a lost ship adrift on the sea

SEA OF HEARTBREAK lost love and loneliness

mem'ries of your caress so divine, how I wish

you were mine again my dear; I'm on this sea of tears

Sea of heartbreak

Oh how did I lose you oh where did I fail

Why did you leave me always to sail

(on this)

SEA OF HEARTBREAK lost love and loneliness

mem'ries of your caress so divine, how I wish

you were mine again my dear; I'm on this sea of tears

Sea of heartbreak

Oh what I'd give just to sail back to shore

back to your arms once more

Oh come to my rescue oh come here to me

Take me and keep me away from the sea

this sea of heartbreak.

SEA OF HEARTBREAK lost love and loneliness

mem'ries of your caress so divine, how I wish

you were mine again my dear; I'm on this sea of tears

Sea of heartbreak


This is an awesome old country/rockabilly song from the 50's. For some reason I am into old timey country like Gene Autry, Roy Rogers and singers like Don Gibson. My Dad also loves country music, except he likes a lot of the newer stuff. The only country music I like are the classics, especially early 20th Century country.

The first time I heard this song was during the opening credits for the awesome directed by and starring Clint Eastwood movie called Heartbreak Ridge. I really detest most of the films made today but Clint is one of the best directors of my (kpr's) lifetime. He has made some of the best military movies of the past 20 years. The one western he directed and produced, Unforgiven, is absolutely amazing. There is a great 2 disc special edition of Unforgiven that I recommend you netflix or pick it up the next time you are at the video store or wherever you get movies to watch at home.

For Nico Star.

{I love you}

Notice my awesome Fishbone shirt that was given to me by the lead singer back in 2001 when I roadied for them at Toads Place. He actually gave me two of them but I gave one to my drug addiction counselor at the time who was this awesome African American dude. I thought that was rad since the fish is smoking a huge fat joint! He had seen mine one day when I wore it for an appointment, when I told him I had an extra, he was stoked. Apparently he is a big Fishbone fan.

They Drive By Night.

One of my favorite Humphrey Bogart movies is called
They Drive By Night.
The film also stars Ida Lupino, George Raft and Ann Sheridan.
It is the story of two brothers that own their own freight truck in the 1940's and the hustle that they have to go through to make ends meat while avoiding the finance company.

Meant to be a starring vehicle for George Raft, there was no denying that Bogie stole every scene he was in. A year or so later he would become the icon he is today with Casablanca and the Maltese Falcon.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Say it isn't So-

Say it isn't so painful to tell me that you're dissatisfied.

Last time I asked you I really got a lame excuse.

I know that you lied.

Now wicked things can see 'em goin' down in war.

But when you play in a quiet way that bites it even more.

[Say it]

Tell me what you want yeah

I'll do it baby I promise right now.

[Say it]

Who propped you up when you were stopped low motivation had you on the ground.

I know your first reaction you slide away hide away goodbye.

But if there's a doubt maybe I can give out a thousand reasons why.

You have to say it isn't so...

[it isn't so].

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so]

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so].

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so]

[Say it]

We like to be the strangers at the party, two rebels in a shell.

[Say it]

You like to move with the best of them you know we move so well.

Don't need someone to lean on. I know that there's an open door.

But if I'm faced with being replaced I want you even more so baby say it isn't so...

[it isn't so].

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so].

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so]

I say it isn't so

[it isn't so]

[Say it]

[Say it isn't so]

[Say it]

[Say it isn't so]

Why you gonna go do you hafta say you wanna go ooh ooh baby say it isn't...

[Say it isn't]

Say say say it isn't

[say it isn't] so

[so say it isn't]

Why do you have to say it isn't.

[say it isn't]


[say it isn't]


[so say it isn't]

I know it's so hard for you...

[say it isn't]

so hard

[say it isn't]

Don't say baby.

[so say it isn't]

There must be some other way.

Don't have to.

[Say it isn't]

Some other way.

[so say it isn't]


You don't have to say.

[say it isn't]

Oh don't you say

[so say it isn't]

Oh you know I want to make you...

When I was a kid I loved this fucking song. Now as an adult I wish I pulled it out of my memory a long, long time ago. All of these words ring so true in how I feel about you and what happened. I can't wait to rock this shit on my I Pod when I riding down Broadway on my Mountain Bike.

Fuck yeh

Hall and Oates forever!

In my Dream.

In my dream the other night, you were the big boss of a company. Out of all the employees I was the lowest on the totem poll. I was the truck driver and I was giving everyone a ride home in the company truck. I turned to you and you deep throat kissed me when we were alone in the truck. Then I woke up. I wish I was still driving that truck, with you sitting close to me in the middle seat. I miss you so much, you have no idea how much I love you. It is a great love that I just cannot shake. It has been many, many years and I still love you like I did when we first met. You cannot even imagine the pain I feel without you. While a bunch of pathetic stand ins and replacements take my place. I walk alone with my head hung low and my hip pockets dragging. Life is no fun for me.

Deep down inside I am broken and lost. There is no way I can get you out of my heart. I will die with this love on my soul, once again I will carry you into the next life-unless we figure it out and you become my wife.

This is just the way it is.

Love is Rare.

Love like mine,
is rare-
it is something
you will never find-
in anyone else.

Love like mine,
is painful,
It's unconditional nature-
I cannot even
hate you.

Love like mine,
is special-
It's never ending
nature is not like
the money your spending.

Love like mine
is painful.

Love like mine
is painful.

Love like mine
is painful.....

...because your not here.

I am right to vent.

My Horoscope for today says it all:

You may have to don a tough skin, dear Leo, in order to combat the energy of the day. People are likely to speak their mind, and they aren't afraid to hurt you in order to get their truths out. Don't hesitate to do the same. Getting things out in the open is better than having them brew inside. There is a war-like quality to your emotions that is geared up and ready to go.

So true, so true.
I fucking hate myself
for loving you.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

What you can do in your spare time with stock footage from the 50's.

I Married a Deadbeat Dad-Failed Sitcoms.

These guys take stock footage from the days of black and white TV, edit it together and make it something outrageously funny and true. Stock footage like this is widely available at

Failed Sitcoms - I Married a Deadbeat

Now go make your own video!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Busy Busy Busy!

Busy Busy Busy
She's so busy busy busy.
Busy Busy Busy
Oh She's so busy busy busy.

Busy Busy Busy
She's so busy busy busy.
Busy Busy Busy
Oh She's so busy busy busy.

Busy Busy Busy
She's so busy busy busy.
Busy Busy Busy
Oh She's so busy busy busy.

Busy Busy Busy
She's so busy busy busy.
Busy Busy Busy
Oh She's so busy busy busy.

Busy Busy Busy
She's so busy busy busy.
Busy Busy Busy
Oh She's so busy busy busy.

She's so busy busy busy.
She's so busy busy busy.
She's so busy busy busy.
She's so busy busy busy.
She's so full of shit.

Delusional Thoughts

When people have delusional thoughts
they are usually negative.
When people have delusional thoughts
they are usually negative.
No one hears the words 'I love you' when they have delusional thoughts.
So you hear me talking in your head-
do you wish I was dead.
So you hear me talking in your head-
yes I wish I was dead.

I don't care

I Don't Care that you have a boyfriend.
What else is new.
The Pain I feel over us is unbearable,
put yourself in my shoes for a second,
if you even can.
The Lack of Compassion you have
is tearing me apart.

I Don't care that you have a boyfriend,
what else is new.
My love for you
is greater than any abusive idiot
that you throw yourself at
in order to not be alone
for one second.

I Don't Care that you have a boyfriend,
because what else is new.
I want to forget,
don't want to remember,
but this pain is unbearable
I miss the days before i met you
the days when inner peace
was not just a fleeting memory.

I Don't Care that you have a boyfriend,
because what else is new,
he will never, ever
love you
like I do.
Your lies
have torn me apart.

I Don't Care that you have a boyfriend,
What else is new.
I never met anyone
as addicted to a sickening
version of 80's tough love as you.
Your lack of compassion is unbearable,
it is tearing me apart.

I Don't Care that you have a boyfriend,
what else is new.
I never did anything to you-
anything to you-
anything to you-
I guess your right,
I am a violent idiot
that smacked you around.
I am a violent idiot
that raped you.
I am a violent idiot
that took my anger out on you.
I am violent idiot that
was verbally abusive.
I am the violent idiot
that was always violent towards you.
always violent towards you,
always violent towards you.
always violent towards you,
always violent towards you.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

NYC here I come

My friend Erin said Yes about letting me move in with them in Brooklyn.
Thank god.
I should be there before Xmas or not until March.
One or the other by next spring I will be living in the city.

sweet because I am at the end of my rope out here.
what a bad move it was moving to seattle-the place where even the happiest of people become suicidal and die.

Fuck this place
I am going home.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A Cry For Help.

I need to scream
these songs at the sun,
a cry for help,
is what I need.

I am suffering,
every day-
it becomes unbearable-
this denial that I face-
maybe it was long ago,
but then again
so was the civil war-
though still we suffer
from those tragic years.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I have never been this depressed,
in my entire life.
This cigarette I smoke,
I cling to perseverance.
You have no idea-
how much this denial hurts.
Please have some compassion,
for these awful painful poems
that I write to you
in spite of the fact
that you don't love me too
and if you do
in fact
love me
like I love you-
then shame,
shame on you.

Search your heart,
I am sorry I have
torn us apart,
search your soul-
my life you stole,
on a painful day
when all that was said
was washed away.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Film today is garbage.

"A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet." -Orson Welles

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Wait in Vain


The summers wind came blowing in
and i can still recall
the tremble in your voice
and your dissent into the upcoming fall,
despair and fear kept bottled inside,
you held them so tight they just burned you alive,
and I remember the days of smiles on our lips
and feelings that couldn't be replaced,
and i remember the days when promises we made,
we thought we'd never break,
now all that remains are the words we spoke on cool summer nights,
the fever in your voice and strength in your heart,
you never gave up a fight,
the setting sun so far in the distance couldn't keep you warm,
it just left you cold,
and i remember the days of smiles on our lips
and feelings that couldn't be replaced,
and i remember the days when promises we made we thought,
we'd never break,
and the seasons changed,... then came the rain...
struggle with the thoughts of you no longer in sight,
on through the chill of fall,
into the freeze of winters call,
the memories of you in springs thaw,
these memories you still haunt,
i counted the days waiting for you to come back,
i counted the days and i just lost track,
and the seasons changed, then came the rain,
and the seasons changed, then came the pain...

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Today is my birthday.
I am 36 years old.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Han Solo ruined my life.

I awoke that morning knowing that something had gone terribly wrong. Hung over and ashamed I listened while you tortured me over a phone call to Christy for sex. Little did you know that would come back to me years later when she and I fucked like rabbits. To this day she and I admit that our sexual liaisons was some of the best sex both of us ever had. Good memories. She came to visit me in CT when you couldn't because of your habit. But it was you I wanted. We could of had those memories. There was not too much difference between her and you that year, except she did not have a physical drug habit. She was also in a relationship-one that led to her undoing and eventual spiral into crack cocaine addiction. I saw it coming and I knew why it was coming. She got sold out because of her man, just like you.

On the way home that sunny March morning-I crossed a bridge leading to the upper west side. A little voice inside of me said-"you might as well jump because you just made the biggest mistake of your life." I swallowed hard and tried to remember what happened. I was so drunk that night-it really did not come back to me right away exactly what I had done. All I knew was that I had made a huge mistake-but I was not going to jump off of that bridge. I wish I had remembered right away what had happened because I would of fixed it.

The pain of the next few weeks was unbearable but I swallowed hard and hoped for the best. I would do anything to go back in time and fix that night-anything. As my life has gone by-the pain of that night has lingered and lingered and lingered. If you only knew why I said what I did-you might laugh about it. But we go so deep that it hit you deeper than you ever thought imaginable. There is a little movie called "The Empire Strikes Back". Growing up the Star Wars movies were some of my favorite movies. I saw them many, many times in the movie theater. Probably too much for it to effect my subconscious like it did. Growing up all I had was the movies. I never had any boyfriends or dates or many good friends. All of the best friends I had either moved away or tried to kill themselves and was taken away. I guess I lived vicariously through the movies I watched. I definitely saw myself in the Han Solo character, which was probably not a good thing. There is a little scene in the Empire Strikes Back when Princess Lea finally tells Han Solo -"I Love You." What does Han tell her back? He tells her-"I Know" and they kiss. Cough, Cough, wink, wink. Shit fucking happens.

If only I had the wisdom I have now. You were so much more advanced spiritually than I was. It really hit you deep. Both of us had waited for that night-which was completely ruined by too much wine and fucking star wars. Just one more cruel joke played on me by the assholes that guide me. No offense spirit guides but you have not done that good of job by me. I wish I had another chance. The love I have inside of myself for you, will not leave me alone. I can't even try to date another person because I just get aggravated without that deep connection. I still feel married to you. I am a leo and we are loyal-but damn this is some loyalty I feel for you. I am a tortured soul, playing out my drama, my soul knows the karma but when I look around I see a backward reality that was not meant to exist. You have no idea how much I need you, how much I love you. This shit is deep. I tear myself apart everyday. If only I had opened your email sooner. If only we chatted on AIM. What the fuck-just one more regret that I get to add to my scorecard. Why god why?

When I read over this blog post I am in shock about the amount of pain in it. This is really how I feel. No one should ever be jealous of me-ever. I have got to get out of Seattle. It is killing me slowly like a cigarette. The people out here and through the mid west are fucking assholes. A bunch of crazy fucking loons. I have got to get out of here. Someone please help me.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I am sorry.

I woke up last friday in the worst pain I have ever had.
I wrote some stupid entry into this blog.
I am sorry about that.
I was in so much pain, I was not thinking clearly.
I hate this instant push button publishing sometimes.
I am so fucking proud of you,
I always knew u were great
and when he told you that
you needed me,
I knew that you could be great,
even without me.
I love you so much,
I am still living with your ghosts.
I write in order to ease the pain.
I am looking for an answer,
one I have not heard before.
I am looking for a way out,
of the pain I caused myself.
One that does not have to do
with leaving this life too soon.
I am looking for the love
I have known for eternity.
I am looking for you.
I am sorry if I caused you pain,
I sometimes cannot look in the mirror and
not feel ashamed.
I love you so much.
A lot of these poems suck.
I wish I could go back in time
and fix my mistakes with you,
but for now writing in this blog,
is going to have to do.
I am sorry.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I love you-

so much.

Just like husband and wife,
boyfriend and girlfriend,
brother and sister,
mother and father.

I love you-

so much.

Just like male lovers
female lovers
two kids on the playground
having their first kiss.

I love you-

so much.

It has nothing to do with this body.
My soul is attached to you,
trapped in your web,
a sacrificial lamb,
sexual slaughter.

I love you-

so much.

The End.

"New York City soon be mine aka I am fucking stoked."-Blind Melon with additional lines by me.

I am so fucking stoked. A ray of light has beamed down from the darkness in the form of an awesome girl from Brooklyn- my friend, cutie calamity aka Erin!

Erin has an awesome apartment in Brooklyn that she shares with her husband. In it there are two small spare bedrooms, one is her art studio and one is for a renter. The room has an awesome loft, which by the way I love to death. I stayed there when I spent new years eve 2008 in NYC. Anyway the room opened up about 5 months ago but Erin wanted to keep it open. I begged her to let me rent it someday and she said that if they decide they need a boarder she would consider it. Well now she wants to do something with it, thanks to the hard times we are all facing in this economy. Since I get almost 700 dollars from the govt each month, my bills are always paid, always. This looks good for me. Most of the punks she knows are probably not 100 percent reliable. If I get the room, they get their rent-guaranteed. Plus I can buy food for the place with my food stamps, plus I am eligible for energy assistance and all other sorts of goodies.
I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I have got to get out of seattle.
I did what I came to do, realized a lifelong goal of moving to the NW and unblocked my writers block. I know that NYC will take care of the rest. Especially my paintings. Right before I left NYC in 97, I was about to get an agent. Shit happens, but I know that New York is waiting for me and I mean the city itself. My karma is there because I lived my last lifetime there. But the 50's and 60's were not the only time I was born in NYC. I had many lifetimes there. For sure I lived in other places too throughout the course of my existence, but in the last bunch of lives it was New York City. Since I could think all I wanted to do was move to NYC. At five years old I was staring out my window dreaming of living in that big city where King Kong went crazy.

So I am crossing my fingers and saying a prayer.
New York City Soon Be Mine.

Damaging my Damage.

I goto counseling twice a month at Seattle Counseling for Sexual Minorities. At times going there definitely helped me, but those times seem to be over. I am tired of my counselor who is nothing more than a talking head with the look of awful pity on her face.

I talk and talk while she nods her head and asks me the stupidest questions ever. Her babble has not helped me in months. If I was to really tell her how I was feeling, she might have me locked up or kicked out of the program.

I was a heroin addict for almost 10 years on and off. It was the best painkiller I could find. I loved snorting it up my nose. The taste of it dripping down my throat was better than pizza. But heroin also made me very sick. Without heroin I went through the worst sickness you can imagine, the feeling of your body rejecting itself. Believe me it is not fun. With extreme pleasure comes extreme pain. Nothing in life on this awful planet is fair.

I moved out to seattle after being clean for about two years. The heroin out on the west coast is not the same as it is on the east coast. There is a huge difference. Out west they only have Black Tar Heroin and it is about the nastiest thing you can put in your body. Plus about 80 percent less potent than the china white. You have to shoot the tar but you can snort the white. I have always had bad veins for shooting. If only I had been born out west, things would have been a lot different for me.

I got yelled at by my talking head of a counselor for calling the head shrinker an asshole. Even if it was true she did not want to hear me slander her co-workers. This infuriated me. I had every right to express my feelings as long as no one got physically hurt, who cares what I say. She makes me sick.

I woke up last week with the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. One of my back teeth were rotted out and now the nerve was exposed. I had procrastinated getting it fixed for months and now the nerve was pissed. I walked into the poor people's dental clinic only to be turned away with a prescription for vicodin and some antibiotics. I had taken about 10 aspirin that morning which meant they could not pull the tooth. They were afraid I would not clot and bleed to death in the dental chair. I highly doubt it.

The pain was so intense that even the vicodin did not help. The next day I went to the local emergency for some relief. They ended up giving me the holy grail of pain killers-oxycotton as I like to call it which was probably not a good idea because the heroin addict inside of me was going to be playing with fire. I was in so much pain I really had no choice. The pain was so intense that I had to take about 8 oxys that day, plus the rest of the vicodins and I was not even high.

Any other time that I would be prescribed opiates, the pain of whatever illness led to the prescription created intense pleasure for me as I rode out the high it gave me. Not this time. The pain of the tooth led to the pain of the opiates infesting the addict within. These last few days of the worst pain of my life led to the unmasking of the opiate addict within, even though I have been clean for 7 years. Like I said life on this awful planet is just not fair.

No Compassion

No Compassion.
Remember when you "gave me shit" for attempting suicide.
No Compassion.
No Compassion.
No Compassion.

No Compassion for you either.
Let me have no compassion
for your shit.
Locked in closet.
No More Wire Hangers.
No Compassion.

(updated) sweet release (disclaimer)

Sweet Release (disclaimer)

I am sorry,
but I have got to go.
You can tell my mother
that I love her so.

I am sorry,
but these memories
and the endless pain
are just too much.

I am sorry,
these pills I must take
I know my families heart
will just break.

I am sorry
you have to come and
collect my things,
it should of happened a long time ago.

I am sorry,
I put off the inevitable
and caused myself too much pain
in the process.

I am sorry,
tell my father
he's still fucked up from Hitler
but then again so am I.

I am sorry
I have to reincarnate,
But this life,
is too full of painful strife.

I am sorry
I have to die,
but then again you will
never know what happened.

Fuck it.

(For anyone reading this--writing helps me deal with painful emotions when nothing else helps. I am not suicidal, suicide is not an option for me. If anyone out there is suicidal-get help. There is always free counseling available in every city as long as you know where to look. Attempting suicide takes years to undo. The pain that you cause your soul is almost unbearable. So for those that think about attempting it for the attention-don't. Get Help. It is always darkest right before the dawn.)

Sunday, August 3, 2008


Ghost of You

The days have gotten longer but you’re still by my side, and it’s almost haunting when I think I hear your voice. But I remember everything you said, and did for me. Now I know what I must do to keep your memory and keep you here in my heart (you’re still here in my heart.) I’m still living with the ghost of you. I’ve given my respects, I’ve paid my dues. What else could you expect, I’m still living with the ghost of you.

One of the best bands from Las Vegas that were only around for a second is Anthems.
They self released their first EP and it is a good one. You can download it here:

They just broke up. I wanted to post the lyrics to my favorite song off of the EP.
This song is definitely one of my favorite songs of this year.

I am still living with the ghost of you
and don't you know it.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Variety Magazine

It has always been my dream since I was a little kid to be in Variety Magazine.
Well a few months ago this dream/goal came true.
I hope I am in it again, but this time for some high paying entertainment job or project.

In it they talk about my TCM piece, even though I don't think my name is mentioned.
I still made it in there.

cheers to that.

"I am going straight edge"

Unfortunately the pain I am in was not numbed by the pain killers the dentist gave me.
They were not even able to extract the tooth due to the fact that I took about 10 aspirin that day. I guess regular aspirin thins your blood. Which means that once they pulled the tooth, there is a possibility that it would not stop bleeding. There have been a slew of deaths in dental chairs here in WA state over the past year or so. Now the state is cracking down and dentists are now being extra, extra careful. So they sent me away with a Novocaine shot (which helped for an hour or so but eventually made it worse from the pain of the needle hole in my mouth) and 2 prescriptions, one for Vicodin and one for an anti-biotic. My gums are swollen and infected around the problem tooth. Actually there are about 4 teeth that need to be pulled. But the one in the back top right is the worse. This is all my fault. I should of went to the dentist months ago, but I am one of those foolish people that are afraid of the dentist. I swore to myself in 2000 when I got a tooth pulled that I would goto the dentist twice a year but I did not. Now I am in so much pain, it is actually just as bad as heroin withdrawal, if not worse.

Last night after chewing 4 vicodins, the pain was worse. It took about 4 hours for them to kick in. I was so frustrated and in a lot of pain. I do not even think I have ever been in this kind of pain before. I decided I needed something stronger. When I woke up at about 9 am, the pills had worked but it took about 20 minutes of me being awake for the tooth to start killing again. So I chewed two more vicodins and headed to the emergency room. It took almost 2 hours for the vicodin to kick in, which to me is ridiculous. I even chewed them. So I had some relief as I waited in the emergency room reading an article on D-Day in National Geographic.

Finally they called me into the back to see the doctor. My blood pressure was high due to the amount of extreme pain I was in. It was high yesterday too. She told me that I have to keep up on dental appointments and wrote me a prescription for the king of all pain killers-oxycotton (as I like to call it). I still have about 6 of the vicodins left but she told me not to mix the two. I won't unless the oxys don't work either. I am not afraid of ODing. My body is use to taking powerful narcotics.
I wonder if that is why the vicodins did not work. It could also be that when you are on state insurance, they will only pay for generic drugs which by law are allowed to be 20 percent less in strength than the original. This is bullshit. I hate this fucking country.

Anyway now I am home and the pain comes and goes in a throbbing fashion. I cannot do anything but sit or lay down. Walking and talking makes the pain worse. I took one of the oxys and it seems to be working, but I cannot tell yet. I hope to god they work. The dentist told me to come back on thursday which is a long time away. Not sure how I am going to deal with this pain until then. I hope that my body does not take a liking to the oxys since my body gets addicted to opiates pretty damn fast. I am sure I will be all right since the pills are not just to get high with, they actually have a job to do and that is to kill the pain of the rotten tooth.

All of this has made me realize how good I feel sober, without marijuana. I have been wanting to go straight edge for the past few years but I knew that I was not just going to be able to claim it. It has been a year and a half since I quit smoking cigs. Now all that is left is the small amount of weed I use medicinally for my PTSD. I have not smoked for 2 days and I feel good. It does not even really get me high anymore, just takes away the pressure of the stress that my PTSD creates now and again. I know I don't need it anymore and for the past year I have really only been smoking pot to take care of the cigarette cravings I have periodically. I would rather smoke weed than cigs any day. But now I don't crave as much as before and I am seriously considering giving up pot for good. It is the last thing left of my drug addicted self and even though I think that pot is good to help people overcome things on the earth plane, I am sure I can overcome without it.


This has been a goal of mine since 2003 when I first heard a straight edge hardcore band called Champion. Champion has since broken up and I was at their last ever show here in seattle (which is out on DVD). But Champion inspired me and helped me stay clean from heroin. Even though I was not edge back then, Jim's lyrics gave me the hope that it brings. I am not the only one whose life was changed by that band. Champion changed the face of hardcore as we know it-for the good and the bad. Their full length is called Promises Kept and I hope it is foreshadowing for me. I need a few promises kept.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Excruciating Dental Pain=I still love you by the throw away girl.

I am in extreme dental pain right now.
Waiting for the emergency dentist that takes my insurance to open its doors.
Its 7 30 am here on the west coast. 10 30 where you are.
Sitting here in this excruciating pain,
the light of our love made me feel better.
I love you so much.
Can you feel it too?
The light of my love.
It's that calming energy that makes you at peace,
makes you at one with yourself and your life.
The heavenly bliss you feel every now and then
is my love surrounding you.
I need you so much,
you have no idea
how much everything inside me,
needs you to guide me.
I am not an embarrassment.
I am not a dirty punk rocker.
I have respect for humanity
and I have nice clothes to wear,
I am just a queer artist that happens
to be in love with you,
that happens to want to marry you.
With all this time that passed,
you might think I am crazy,
but I am not.
The one thing I am sure of in this crazy fucking world,
is the power of our unrequited unconditional love
that is trapped inside of you,
in your CEO suit,
what would they think of you,
if you brought me home.
I know that is what bothers you.
But what do they know?
Don't let "them" dictate your life,
most likely no one cares who you sleep with
I am sure anyone that comes in contact with you
has immense respect for who you are.
Most of our limitations that we think is coming from outside
of ourself, are really self imposed ones that
just cause mass amounts of pain.
Pain leads to anger.
Anger leads to pain.
I have never been angry or violent towards you,
I am sorry you got me mixed up with everyone else
raped you,
abused you
locked you in a closet.
As a matter of fact we never even fought.
I never even yelled at you.
I never even got mad at you.
I never ever got violent with you,
not even in that past lives did I do you such harm.
I am sorry the violence of the world
took me away from you.
What you said hit me deep
because what I said hit you deep
because we go very fucking deep.

Now that you are some big time CEO
I am proud of you
but its painful pride.
I am nothing
because life took you
away from my side.
Do you know how much
your actions destroyed me?
Remember the parents you wanted to tell off
because of the talented daughter
their hate was destroying?
I was crushed by what happened.
I am crushed by what happened.
I am the throw away girl.