Sunday, August 24, 2008

Evil Beyond Human

To the rapist of my heart.

Some people are evil beyond human
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

Lately I have been dealing with heavy, heavy shit. Does anyone know what it feels like when someone you loved more than the world fucks with your sanity? Fucking with someone's head and heart for no reason is beyond awful. Especially when that person ends up denying that anything happened. As if what was between them never existed when there was nothing but deep intense love and creative commitment, months and months of empty promises for the future but really nothing but having your head fucked with. Sometimes people do things to each other and it is easy to let go of the pain, then there are some people's hurt that is never ending, that won't let go and dissipate. I have been carrying around the same pain for almost 15 years. No matter what I do it doesn't get better. The many reasons for my shell shock, my inability to have successful relationships, the depression and pain that keeps me from being able to work in any sense of normality is all based on the actions of one person that loved me. I find it fascinating that I am using the words loved me-when all this person did was say awful painful ridiculous stuff to deflect from the self hate inside. There were a handful of stuff that this person said that completely ruined me. As much as I tried to let it go and get over it-the intense, deep damage had been done. With deep love comes deep responsibility. Throwing someone in the garbage in order to become a junkie whore is some messed up shit. The damage that this person did to me will never leave, I just have to learn to live around it.

Life is not fair. I have always been a non-violent, spiritual person that had some minor issues with self-esteem and inner, bottled up pain. I did nothing to deserve the shotty treatment I received from my best friend, creative partner and "wife". I can't hope but anything but pain and anguish for this person. I hope this person burns in the hell fires where nasty little deflecting liars goto rot. I did not want to suffer and have these issues for most of my adult life. Suffering and pain are not fun. I have not been able to trust anyone at all with my heart, friendship and love because of the actions of one evil, rotten human being. It has been 15 years and I realized that this person raped my heart and soul. I have been torn apart and no matter how hard my counselors and friends try, I cannot be put back together again. Its sad but I will carry on the best I can like the soldier that I am, but she raped me without a cock. Even the best of soldiers get shell shock.

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