Han Solo ruined my life.

I awoke that morning knowing that something had gone terribly wrong. Hung over and ashamed I listened while you tortured me over a phone call to Christy for sex. Little did you know that would come back to me years later when she and I fucked like rabbits. To this day she and I admit that our sexual liaisons was some of the best sex both of us ever had. Good memories. She came to visit me in CT when you couldn't because of your habit. But it was you I wanted. We could of had those memories. There was not too much difference between her and you that year, except she did not have a physical drug habit. She was also in a relationship-one that led to her undoing and eventual spiral into crack cocaine addiction. I saw it coming and I knew why it was coming. She got sold out because of her man, just like you.

On the way home that sunny March morning-I crossed a bridge leading to the upper west side. A little voice inside of me said-"you might as well jump because you just made the biggest mistake of your life." I swallowed hard and tried to remember what happened. I was so drunk that night-it really did not come back to me right away exactly what I had done. All I knew was that I had made a huge mistake-but I was not going to jump off of that bridge. I wish I had remembered right away what had happened because I would of fixed it.

The pain of the next few weeks was unbearable but I swallowed hard and hoped for the best. I would do anything to go back in time and fix that night-anything. As my life has gone by-the pain of that night has lingered and lingered and lingered. If you only knew why I said what I did-you might laugh about it. But we go so deep that it hit you deeper than you ever thought imaginable. There is a little movie called "The Empire Strikes Back". Growing up the Star Wars movies were some of my favorite movies. I saw them many, many times in the movie theater. Probably too much for it to effect my subconscious like it did. Growing up all I had was the movies. I never had any boyfriends or dates or many good friends. All of the best friends I had either moved away or tried to kill themselves and was taken away. I guess I lived vicariously through the movies I watched. I definitely saw myself in the Han Solo character, which was probably not a good thing. There is a little scene in the Empire Strikes Back when Princess Lea finally tells Han Solo -"I Love You." What does Han tell her back? He tells her-"I Know" and they kiss. Cough, Cough, wink, wink. Shit fucking happens.

If only I had the wisdom I have now. You were so much more advanced spiritually than I was. It really hit you deep. Both of us had waited for that night-which was completely ruined by too much wine and fucking star wars. Just one more cruel joke played on me by the assholes that guide me. No offense spirit guides but you have not done that good of job by me. I wish I had another chance. The love I have inside of myself for you, will not leave me alone. I can't even try to date another person because I just get aggravated without that deep connection. I still feel married to you. I am a leo and we are loyal-but damn this is some loyalty I feel for you. I am a tortured soul, playing out my drama, my soul knows the karma but when I look around I see a backward reality that was not meant to exist. You have no idea how much I need you, how much I love you. This shit is deep. I tear myself apart everyday. If only I had opened your email sooner. If only we chatted on AIM. What the fuck-just one more regret that I get to add to my scorecard. Why god why?

When I read over this blog post I am in shock about the amount of pain in it. This is really how I feel. No one should ever be jealous of me-ever. I have got to get out of Seattle. It is killing me slowly like a cigarette. The people out here and through the mid west are fucking assholes. A bunch of crazy fucking loons. I have got to get out of here. Someone please help me.

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