Saturday, August 2, 2008

"I am going straight edge"

Unfortunately the pain I am in was not numbed by the pain killers the dentist gave me.
They were not even able to extract the tooth due to the fact that I took about 10 aspirin that day. I guess regular aspirin thins your blood. Which means that once they pulled the tooth, there is a possibility that it would not stop bleeding. There have been a slew of deaths in dental chairs here in WA state over the past year or so. Now the state is cracking down and dentists are now being extra, extra careful. So they sent me away with a Novocaine shot (which helped for an hour or so but eventually made it worse from the pain of the needle hole in my mouth) and 2 prescriptions, one for Vicodin and one for an anti-biotic. My gums are swollen and infected around the problem tooth. Actually there are about 4 teeth that need to be pulled. But the one in the back top right is the worse. This is all my fault. I should of went to the dentist months ago, but I am one of those foolish people that are afraid of the dentist. I swore to myself in 2000 when I got a tooth pulled that I would goto the dentist twice a year but I did not. Now I am in so much pain, it is actually just as bad as heroin withdrawal, if not worse.

Last night after chewing 4 vicodins, the pain was worse. It took about 4 hours for them to kick in. I was so frustrated and in a lot of pain. I do not even think I have ever been in this kind of pain before. I decided I needed something stronger. When I woke up at about 9 am, the pills had worked but it took about 20 minutes of me being awake for the tooth to start killing again. So I chewed two more vicodins and headed to the emergency room. It took almost 2 hours for the vicodin to kick in, which to me is ridiculous. I even chewed them. So I had some relief as I waited in the emergency room reading an article on D-Day in National Geographic.

Finally they called me into the back to see the doctor. My blood pressure was high due to the amount of extreme pain I was in. It was high yesterday too. She told me that I have to keep up on dental appointments and wrote me a prescription for the king of all pain killers-oxycotton (as I like to call it). I still have about 6 of the vicodins left but she told me not to mix the two. I won't unless the oxys don't work either. I am not afraid of ODing. My body is use to taking powerful narcotics.
I wonder if that is why the vicodins did not work. It could also be that when you are on state insurance, they will only pay for generic drugs which by law are allowed to be 20 percent less in strength than the original. This is bullshit. I hate this fucking country.

Anyway now I am home and the pain comes and goes in a throbbing fashion. I cannot do anything but sit or lay down. Walking and talking makes the pain worse. I took one of the oxys and it seems to be working, but I cannot tell yet. I hope to god they work. The dentist told me to come back on thursday which is a long time away. Not sure how I am going to deal with this pain until then. I hope that my body does not take a liking to the oxys since my body gets addicted to opiates pretty damn fast. I am sure I will be all right since the pills are not just to get high with, they actually have a job to do and that is to kill the pain of the rotten tooth.

All of this has made me realize how good I feel sober, without marijuana. I have been wanting to go straight edge for the past few years but I knew that I was not just going to be able to claim it. It has been a year and a half since I quit smoking cigs. Now all that is left is the small amount of weed I use medicinally for my PTSD. I have not smoked for 2 days and I feel good. It does not even really get me high anymore, just takes away the pressure of the stress that my PTSD creates now and again. I know I don't need it anymore and for the past year I have really only been smoking pot to take care of the cigarette cravings I have periodically. I would rather smoke weed than cigs any day. But now I don't crave as much as before and I am seriously considering giving up pot for good. It is the last thing left of my drug addicted self and even though I think that pot is good to help people overcome things on the earth plane, I am sure I can overcome without it.


This has been a goal of mine since 2003 when I first heard a straight edge hardcore band called Champion. Champion has since broken up and I was at their last ever show here in seattle (which is out on DVD). But Champion inspired me and helped me stay clean from heroin. Even though I was not edge back then, Jim's lyrics gave me the hope that it brings. I am not the only one whose life was changed by that band. Champion changed the face of hardcore as we know it-for the good and the bad. Their full length is called Promises Kept and I hope it is foreshadowing for me. I need a few promises kept.

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