Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Coming Out as Transgendered.

My whole life I have never felt like a female, although I have not seriously been attracted to girls as much as you would think, I have always felt like a male in a female body. As a small child I use to cry by myself because I was not a boy. Throughout my life, until I found punk and hardcore, I felt like an alien in the world I was forced upon. Throughout my twenties I came to accept the fact that I was queer when I fell seriously in love with a woman. But because I never felt right in my own skin, I blew it by not expressing myself sexually, mostly because I just could not transfer the sexual feelings in my brain to my body. Throw in the fact that this woman would tell me she wished I was a man and when we were in bed told me I could not make love to her because I did not have a cock.

All of that seriously damaged my psyche for years to come. There were many other things that she said that caused me pain for the rest of my life so far. Making me a seriously damaged individual unable to love or trust anyone with my love. Now that it is 2008 there are many options available for someone like myself who is transgendered, which is the term to describe someone who was born as the wrong sex. I have decided to take some of those options and use them for myself.

Finally accepting the fact that I am trans feels the same as if I had just accepted the fact that I am an addict. I have been afraid of life for many, many years and it is mostly because I do not feel at home in my body. I had always wanted a sex change when I was younger but only now do I realize it is possible. I have met many Female to Male transgendered people and most of them look great. You would never know that they were once female unless you asked them. For the past 2 years I have been considered starting the process of "becoming" a male but just recently I have made the choice to go through with it.

Even though I will always be both sexes, at least now I will look more like I feel. I am going to start to take testosterone and eventually get chest reconstruction surgery within the next 6 months. I am not messing with the bottom because I know that I can never have a "real" functioning penis. But the testosterone will make my clit grow giving me a small penis that will just function as a sexual tool. Mine is all ready pretty huge so I am sure that the growth will be substantial. (sorry if some of you can't handle that fact. Grow up if you feel uncomfortable.)

I am hoping the Testosterone will help me not be afraid to live anymore. I all ready shave my face everyday and have been since 2001 because my family is cursed with female facial hair, which I cannot stand. Just now my hair will be thicker and I could grow a beard but I probably will not. My trans issues are a huge reason that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hope doing all of this will help me in my struggles. The only difference you will physically see is the fact that my boobs are not so fucking huge anymore, my facial features will square off a little and my voice will be deeper. I am stoked on all of it. Especially the voice change because I am starting a hardcore/punk/poprock band.

Anyway I hope none of my friends or fans have a problem with it. It is my body anyway and it is the only thing I have. I live for myself not for anyone else including my family, friends and fans. It is time that someone like myself was in the public eye. We are not these bodies. Life is deep. I live a spiritual life knowing why the reasons my soul is the way it is. I am a reincarnated spiritual master in a transgendered punkrock body and I rule!


stalzz said...

I am so happy for you! I am also honored to know you and I thank you for sharing this with me. I had a feeling you might be feeling like you were more man than woman inside. You Rock! I am here for you any time you need me.

little shiva said...

My mom used to tell me that if I kissed the very tip of my elbow I would become a boy, so I walked around trying for a long time. But I like this better: a little girl sees her brother naked, points to his boy parts and says "mommy, how come I don't have one of those?" "Because", the mom says, "with what you've got you can get all of those you want."