Sunday, August 24, 2008

Artistic Egos

There are many, many forms of creative expression out there in the world today. Technology has opened up a whole new realm for creative expression. But those technologies will never be better or more important than the classic outlets- writing, poetry, painting, theater, film, spoken word, performance art-those real life forms of expression are very important to the survival of mankind. You may not agree but a world without paintings, poetry, books, theater, film etc, would be an angry dark place.

Just because someone made money at one time with their creative outlet does not mean that there work is any better than a painter that painted 200 paintings but has not made any money off of them. Art is for the soul. Artist like me have no choice but to eventually make money of off their art because it is all they have. I cannot handle regular jobs like most non-artists. Being stuck inside of some cubical with a cash register for 8 hours makes me fucking nuts. Being a starving artist whose soul can only do what it was designed for is a disability is this world today. I cannot handle the way the world is designed. The pain that was forced upon me without doing anything to deserve it ruins my faith in the good of the world. Is the world such a fucked up place that to love is a sin, to not care and be cold hearted the order of the day?

There is nothing wrong with love. People are suppose to love each other. Love does not always mean the object of that love is tied down because of it. Love does not have to mean-we have sex, we go out, we move in together, we get married. Love scares people because they are so use to hate and darkness. No one should ever run from love. If I tell you that I love you it means I have a high amount of respect for you, that I enjoy being in your presence, that I am happy to be in your life and that I care deeply about you. It does not automatically mean I want to have sex with you and tie you down. Love is for everyone and every kind of relationship. People are so afraid of love that they run from it, call it 'stalking', call it insanity and treat it like a disease. Telling someone how you feel about them is very important to your health. People should not judge it. If someone tells you that they love you-don't run, don't hide-be honored that they do. No matter what the dynamic of the relationship-love means your loved. Whether you love that person back or not-there is no reason to be afraid. If you do love that person back-it does not mean that you need to be afraid of being tied down or losing your freedom. All souls are free. No one belongs to anyone else. Even married people are not owned by their mates. There is a responsibility to upkeep when you are married but at no time do the people belong to each other. We are all free.

Some egos of artists are ugly. Artists tend to get jealous easy of other peoples talent or successes. I am writer not only because I need to write, but because it is all I have wanted to be since before I could even write. As a child I would fill pages with scribble pretending to write books. My writing is therapeutic but it is also my livelihood. It is easy to make money off of writing, especially if you have journalistic tendencies, which I do. But in my case I am lazy and the heart break I have been dealing with for 15 years has held me back from getting my boxes upon boxes of books transcribed because of the physical pain the heart break creates. The pain has held me back from making money off of my art because I am into much pain to deal with life.

My writing is not just therapeutic poetry. My writings and paintings are all I have. they are everything. Even though others might have made tons of money off of their talent, my stuff is worth more than all the money in the world, because it is amazing and it is mine. I have been told by my college professors in the late 90's that my books are amazing and completely publishable, that my paintings are a unique form of abstract spiritual art that takes your breath away. My form is not the best, I have absolutely no training in painting and my stuff is very simple-but the geometric shapes and colors that permeate my stuff are absolutely amazingly necessary.

Don't ever minimize my art and writing because I am not you or because I am not making money off of them. My stuff is just waiting to be published, just waiting to be discovered by the art world. I have not presented my work publicly that many times, but each time that I did-success was mine.

+The first time I entered a juried painting show at a museum in CT, one of my paintings was picked out of 1000 entries. Mine was one of 50 they chose.

+The First time I took my portfolio around New York City, I sold a painting I did of my spirit to Henri Bendell-a huge fashion design company out of NYC. They made a fancy, runway model type shirt out of this painting I did of my spirit.

+The first poetry slam competition I entered I came in second. That is really good, especially for the first time.

+ The first TV show (on Public Access) that I was half of with the person who caused all my pain, was highly successful. Our show was rated number one for public access shows on MNN cable in 93 for 6 months. It was only the 2 of us.

Everything I touch artistically turns to gold. Many people probably don't believe it because of all the pain I am in, I am not out there going full board trying to sell it. But that is about to change. Stars don't fade, they explode.

Never Looking Back

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