Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Stop the Slaughter in Gaza

Stop the Slaughter in Gaza
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

Stop the Slaughter in Gaza
Mass struggle is the only way out

Israel's government's rule has been a chain of scandals and failures,
most recently the impact of the world capitalist crisis.

Now they are trying to save themselves from defeat in February's
elections by means of a wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in this
long planned attack.

Abu Abas, Mubarak and the Arab League leaders condemn the massacre.
But they were complicit in Israel's starving of the Gaza's 1.5 million
inhabitants by Israel's 16-month siege. These regimes willingly carry
out the dictates of imperialism. Mubarak's authoritarian regime in
Egypt collaborated in the imprisonment of the Palestinians by
preventing free movement of goods and people on Egypt's border with
Gaza. Mubarak even met Israel's foreign minister Livni on the day
before Israel's attack.

Bush, and Obama, have refused to force Israel to immediately halt the
carnage. Bush used similar brutality in the US occupation of Iraq and
Afghanistan. While Miliband makes feeble calls for a cease-fire, the
White House does not criticise the massive Israeli onslaught and
blames Hamas for provoking these attacks on Gaza. Bush supports the
Israeli/Egyptian blockade of Gaza while condemning the consequent
Hamas rocket fire into Israeli cities.

Hamas' rocket fire cannot defeat the Israeli state's oppression of
Palestinians. The Israeli ruling class do not care about the working
class inhabitants of the towns bordering Gaza, but uses their plight
to justify the war. The Hamas leadership use the rockets as a means to
hide their lack of any strategy to liberate the Palestinian masses
from the Israeli siege. The Israeli government does not defend the
real interests of ordinary Israelis, rather it exploits their fears.

Every gain made in the history of Palestinian struggle has been the
result of active mobilisation of the masses. Tragically for
Palestinians neither Hamas, nor Fatah, nor the Arab regimes, have a
strategy to defend the masses and stop the Israeli state's slaughter.

* For an immediate end to Israeli attacks. For an immediate end to
the siege of Palestine.

* For escalation of demonstrations and protests against the war, in
the Middle East and internationally.

* No trust in the world powers or the United Nations. The Palestinian
masses must have trust in their own struggle and appeal for support from the
working masses internationally, especially in the Middle East,
including Israel.

* Organize the masses in self-defence. Mass action by Palestinians and
Egyptians to break the siege that imprisons Gaza.

* For united struggles by the workers and poor to overthrow all the
capitalist regimes in the Arab states and in Israel. For workers'
governments across the Middle East which can end the cycle of violence
by resolving the contentious issues in the interests of working people
and start to create a society run for the needs of ordinary people.

* For a Socialist Palestine and a Socialist Israel as part of a
Socialist Federation of Middle Eastern States.

A Statement from the Committee for a Workers' International (CWI).
(Socialist Alternative stands in political solidarity with the CWI.)
Posted Dec. 29, 2008

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"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Bored In Connecticut.

Well I am at my parents house in CT. The best part about it is spending time with my niece who is absolutely awesome. She is really the cutest, most artistic, creative, intelligent kid I have ever seen. If she was my kid I could understand, but she's my sister's kid. My sister is very conservative, but also very loving. She is really adorable and has all the best facial features of my sister. She truly is a little angel. She spends tons of time at my parents house. We actually really miss her when she leaves. She is only a year and 5 months but she seems a lot older than that.

I am pretty bored here though. There is not much to do at all. They live in the middle of the CT woods with no where to walk too with any signs of life. Plus we had a blizzard and it is mad cold out. It sucks not being able to see any of my friends in New Haven because I don't have a car to use. But while I am out here I am going to go to New York City, but not until the weekend.

I am really extremely sad, bored and lonely..but what the fuck else is new. I got to get a new life, I am sick of not having my wife. When I die, bury me upside down in Thomaston, CT so the whole wide world can kiss my ass. I got to get the fuck out of this body. Nothing and nowhere makes me happy without my soul twin in this life.


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Pain I Deserve.

It is ok that your going to cause me more pain because I deserve it. Want to know why I deserve it? In 1993 (with you) I did not play my part correctly. I did not play the part of the guy, like I was suppose to and like I wanted to. So many times in those critical first few months I wanted to hold you in my arms, make out with you, bring you home to my bed and tell you how much I loved you. But everyday, every hour with you I was so fucking afraid of myself, the god within and my sexuality. I know why you left me and it wasn't the lie you told yourself, it was my inability to have sex with you, my in ability to tell you how I feel and my inability to give you the love and affection that you needed. This is why I lost you.

Those silent moments, those times when you thought I was angry because I was silent and introspective....it was those times that I wanted to tell you how I felt, wanted to take you in my arms, but in my head I was so afraid. All I could do was argue with myself to try and get myself to play my part. Every moment with you all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to tell you I loved you and how much I wanted to have sex with you. But I was a pussy and I was fucked up and I did not accept my sexuality and I was deeply confused over not being born in a male body and my extreme hormonal balance made it all so much worse.

I was never angry or unhappy when I was with you. NEVER. All I thought about was how much I loved you but because I did not act on these thoughts...I lost you. I fucked up our lifetime, I fucked my own life up for many years (and counting) because of the pain I now have to live with because of my serious mistake with you. All of our past lives make it worse because I was the male and always played my part. I understand why your soul would be confused and extremely hurt by my inaction. I am sorry. I suffer greatly because of this. I still love you just like I did all those years ago when I first met you. I deserve the pain you cause me and are going to cause me. I am sorry.

With a heavy heart,


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Holy White Christmas Batman!

Damn...I am stuck in the middle of a blizzard here in Albany NY. I had to stay in a hotel because my family was unable to make the trip to Albany from CT to pick me up because of the blizzard. The motel is really nice and I have a jacuzzi room...boy could I get use to that. But since I am poor, it will probably be a long time before I get to use another one. I am taking full advantage of it while I am here.

The train ride was stressful and cold. We arrived in Chicago 8 hours late and I had no lay over, which meant that I was on the train for 4 days without a break. I was pretty crabby by the time I got to Albany and the blizzard I walked into did not make it any better. Hell its 7 am the next morning and it is still snowing outside. I wonder if I will have to stay here again tonight (Saturday)...but it is suppose to snow again on Sunday. I hope I am not still stuck here for Christmas!

I have been watching TCM since I got here. It feels awesome. I don't have cable because I couldn't afford it anymore after I took a huge pay cut when I went from working for someone else to working for myself. I am much happier working on my own..but...I miss the extra 200 dollars a week I was making. Oh well so no cable for me right now, but, when I have it, all I do is sit and watch TCM. From Aug of 2005-Jan 2007, I had cable and I gained a massive amount of weight just sitting there and watching TCM. I swear as soon as I got rid of the cable, or rather it got shut off for non payment of bill, I instantly started the slow struggle of losing weight. I have lost almost 70 pounds since then but I swear sitting on the train for 4 days, I put a few back on and I hardly ate anything!!! Just a few bagels and some snacks. They forgot to stock the cafe car with veggie burgers so I did not have a hot meal for 4 days.

The hormones I am taking, if I don't get exercise, I will gain weight, even if I don't over eat. I get so much exercise in Seattle that being on the train for 4 days must of been a shock to my system. Everyday I walk up massive hills, ride my bike (weather permitting), work 2 hard labor jobs that give me A LOT of exercise and take power walks around Capitol Hill. If I had good knees I would probably start running again. When I get back to Washington State I am going to join 24 hour fitness, which is right by my apt and really start working out. I have to lose about 50 more pounds in order to get chest reconstruction surgery. If I don't, the surgery doesn't come out as good and I want a decent chest so I can walk around without a shirt on. I need to lose the 50 pounds regardless. It blows my mind that I weighed as much as I did.

This is definitely a white Christmas but also a hard holiday season for me because of the massive amount of pain I am carrying in my heart. Everyday is painful for me but being back east for the holidays just makes it worse. My sadness will be tenfold of what it is in Seattle. I feel like a fake. Pretending that everything is ok because everything is not ok. I want to run from the sun but all I find is cold darkness when I do. My heart is sorry for what its done. I don't want to live this life anymore but TCM, the books I am writing and my paintings are the only things that keep me from killing myself. It has been this way since 1994. These 3 things have saved me time and time again. Not having cable is hard sometimes because I cannot watch TCM. If they even knew the depth of why I love that channel, my tattoo would seem insignificant.

"I am going down...to the underground....to the underground...."

Peace be with you this holiday season.
Consume less and love more-

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

On the way...

I am on my way to NY on the train.
I will be offline for 3.5 days....there will be no new blog posts until then...

Merry Christmas.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Train Ride to Nothing, Train Ride to Nowhere.

I am taking the Amtrak to NY on Tuesday afternoon. I will be on the train for 3.5 days with a break for 6-8 hours in Chicago, then its onto NY. It takes about 18 hours to get from Chicago to Albany NY. My Dad comes and picks me up there. I could take the train to NYC, but it is a lot longer trip, due to the routing of the train. It is much easier for my Dad to go to Albany than it is to go to Penn Station in NYC.

This will be the 5th time I have taken the train back east and back to visit my family. I spend my days on the train watching classic films on my laptop and portable DVD player, I also spend the time writing, reading and looking out the window dreaming of better days. It is a very long and interesting trip, sometimes its stressful, but all in all I like it better than an airplane.

I leave on Tuesday the 16th and arrive on Friday DEC 19th. I am leaving on Jan 6th and coming back on Jan 9th. It is always hard to come back to Seattle. All of my loved ones are back east in CT and NYC. I miss the east coast very much and I want to move back to NYC so bad. I just need the right opportunity, job and savings. I am sort of in a rush but I cannot rush myself without some help from an angel to help me.

I will be thinking of you my love as I saunter across the country, if only you were waiting for me with open arms, but alas, those arms are closed to me, but I still love you so much....we go very deep. Search yourself within my love and you will see...the person you love and need....is me.

I go back east with out an expectation in the world. I go expecting nothing, zero, zip...I do not expect to hear a word from you, my love. But if you find it in your heart, to see me while we are not so far apart, i would be forever grateful. All I need is one night, one time in each others sight, to hear any words at all from you,
would save my soul, make it easier to live each day, with any new memory we might make.

You have no idea how much I love you.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sugar in the Sacrament.

Sugar in the Sacrament.
Thursday off of the album "A City By the Light Divided."

What have you done?
You follow footsteps in the dark
and found your faith
left out behind your father's car.

You said, "there's no one watching over me or over you, it's always out of reach..."
I'm sinking still right into:

Oh my god where are you now?
Fractured lives dissolving
Like sugar in the sacrament

If it was just one night
Then we would be released
Tie these lies between our teeth
Keep tearing open bodies
'Let it bleed'

Where have you gone?
Off with the friends you couldn't keep
Your mother's arms
Fill you up with all the empty needs
So the saints line up to bring her in,
Comfort her and it's always comforting
When they start to sing,
the same old:

'Holy holy, lift up your dress
Feel your body dissolving
Like sugar in the sacrament'

"If it was just one night
Then you could be redeemed
Tie these sins between your teeth,
Make hollow promises we'll never keep..... tonight."

This is all we've ever known of God.
Fly with me let me touch you now.
This is all we've ever known of God.
This is all we've ever known of God.
This is all we've ever known of God.

(The second song is a band called Thrice....very much like Thursday, this is an older song by them but perhaps my favorite. If you listen to it (N), you will understand why like it pretty easily. But the first song. that song is for you. You would really like Thursday.)

Thursday is such a good band. they are not a punk band. They are an emotional, independent band that hit it big with their sound. If you could take REM, SEAL and Pearl Jam...put them all together and you have Thursday. They are a NYC band and sing about New York City and the pain and suffering that goes along with living there and growing up too fast. They are amazing. best albums are:

A City By The Light Divided.
War All The Time.
Full Collapse.

I have been a fan of them since 2002. They are really pretty big now. This song I have reposted is one of their songs that means a lot to me. I wish you could hear it.

Michael and Kim

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

My Leather Jacket

I have this amazing Leather Jacket that was given to me in 2001 by a member of this awesome punk band that was called Onward To Mayhem from Minneapolis. I had 3 other leather jackets stolen from me in my life so this one was my karma coming back to me. It is covered in spikes and studs and is an atypical street punk leather jacket. The kind that all the young punks want to make. I put a few patches on it and a few of the spikes, but most of it was done when I got it.

Well at the end of 2005 I started to gain a massive amount of weight due to a relationship I was in ending, inactivity, cable TV and depression. I probably gained 50 pounds or so over 2006. I have not been able to wear that jacket in a long time. In the beginning of 2005 I had lost weight really quickly when I entered into my last relationship. Before that from 2003-2004 I was also over-weight, but not as much as I was in 2006. I have not been able to wear this leather jacket since about 2004, except for a few months in 2005.

Last night my friend and her boyfriend came over to visit me for awhile. She is a punk rocker and I had told her about my jacket so I showed it to her. I put it on and low and behold....it fit! I was actually able to zip it up for the first time in years!!! Even with a hooded sweatshirt underneath it zipped up. It felt really good. I have lost almost 70 pounds since I taped the TCM piece in 2006. I feel really good and I look even better. Even though I am 36...I look about 21 and I am being serious about that. I do not look my age. I was told by a spiritual master that the reason that I look young and will always look way younger than my age is because in all my past lives I died as a young man. I never got to be that old. But this is the lifetime, if everything goes right, where I am going to live to be an old man. I guess we will see what happens.

I hardly ever wore this jacket, even when it fit, due to it being so heavy. But now since I am on testosterone and I am getting A LOT stronger, it all ready feels easier to wear. I am not an atypical street punk and never really was because I don't drink alcohol,I am not into violence and fucking shit up and I am not an elitist asshole like many of the other punks back east that wear these kinds of jackets. They actually think they are more punk than the people who don't have a spiked and studded leather jacket like that. When I got it in 2001 and started to wear it around NYC, CT and else where....these street punks were a lot nicer and friendlier to me than they were before I had this jacket. Totally silly. Totally dumb. Elitist punk rockers make me ill. I would rather be a loner than hang out with idiot assholes. As it is I never go to punk or hardcore shows anymore...I just buy records online and support the scene that way. I am not a scenester..I don't hang out with many other punk rockers. I have always been my own little original punk scene by myself and I like it that way. The only thing I want in this life is my best friend and wife. The one that lives in NYC, the one that I have loved for most of my life.

All I know right now is that I feel great about losing weight. I feel great that this jacket finally fits me. I feel great on the testosterone and I feel great when I think of my future.

Thanks for reading-

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Friday, December 12, 2008

Weight Lost

I have now lost 70 pounds this past year.
...thank god....I look fucking awesome. I still have some to lose but as of now, I am comfortable with the size of my body.....

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

I will always be...

I will always be kimpunkrock...no matter what happens...just because my body is changing from the T does not mean that I will no longer go by Kim or kimpunkrock. As a matter of fact I plan on going by both names. With Michael being my real name and Kimpunkrock being a name I use to sign my paintings, some of my books/articles...etc. I am not just going to toss her in the garbage. I will always be both sexes even though I look more like a man.

This is my truth.


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

XMas in CT.

I am leaving next Tuesday for a 3 week adventure back east to CT and NYC. I will be gone from Seattle from Dec 16th-Jan 9th.

My cell phone number is:

I am posting my number for those that want it to get in touch with me while I am back east. I am not worried about posting it...I doubt many people read this blog and why would anyone prank call me?

I will be staying in Thomaston Connecticut with my folks. Planning on visiting NYC for a few days while I am there. To my NYC friends..I can come into the city pretty much any day while I am back east. My plan was to go in on DEC 27th for a hardcore show in Brooklyn...two spiritual bands I am into are playing there....but these plans are not written in stone.

Hope to see everyone this holiday season.

Love Love
Michael Kim

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

People that are just friends do not.....

People that are just friends do not do the following things:

Have Sex.
Hold each other all night long telling each other how much they love each other.
Call each other husband and wife (or wife and wife).
Tell each other how much they love each other while they are holding each other.
Have Sex.
Act like husband and wife.
Hold each other all night.
Love one another like husband and wife.
Have sex.
Make plans for the future to be together and live together and love together.
Love one another like we did each other.

The Truth is Out There.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

To NICO on her 40th Birthday.

Dear Nico,
Happy 40th Birthday.
The person who loves you the most,
sent you flowers today,
long stem red roses and lilies,
a beautiful bouquet.

Even though you hate me,
and telling you about my transition "creeped" you out,
I still love you without condition
because that is what unconditional love
is all about.

All our hopes, dreams and plans...
I put my love for you on hold
those many years ago
so that we might have something more
than just the emptiness of the old.

But it did not matter,
all those dreams we had
are shattered....for me.
But I still love you,
like I did when we were in school.

To Nico on her 40th birthday,
I send you my love.
Please take care of yourself,
On this your 40th Birthday.
My love for you...
is never just going to go away.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This Holiday Season I Promise....to stay away.

This holiday season I promise to not go where I am not wanted. I would never hurt my soul (and yours) again the way I did when I dropped in on you the last time, 12 years ago. Out of respect for myself and you, my love, I stay away until you call you for me, I stay away until YOU ASK ME not too, I stay away because I love you and that is what you want.


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

My Life is an Open Book for Everyone to Read.

My Life is an Open Book for Everyone to Read.
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

One thing that has always stuck out in my mind is something that Gandhi said, he said-"Always tell the truth about yourself. Let your life be an open book for everyone to read, don't hide anything about yourself-this is how you learn and others learn from you." I happen to agree with this statement and have lived my life this way from the moment I read those words.

I have learned to always be honest, open and truthful about myself and my feelings. This is the only way I know how to be. I cannot tell a lie or make stuff up about myself to feel whole and complete. When I was 20 years old I told a lie about my sex life because I was embarrassed about the lack of sexual experience I had when everyone around me at that time was choke full of it. This hurt me in ways you cannot even imagine. I also did not know at that time about my severe hormonal imbalance and even though I knew I wanted a sex change as kid, at this time in my life that thought was not even present, although I wish it had been.

Even though I am on TV (Turner Classic Movies here in the USA and the UK), I am not going to keep my transition a secret. I want everyone to learn about me because it might benefit the transgendered community as a whole. We need better health care and we need our insurance companies to pay for our medicine and surgeries. The only reason they don't is because of prejudice and a lack of understanding about transgendered people. We are born this way. it is something we cannot help. I know for myself it was either transition, suicide or live a life of complete misery and isolation. I wish I had chosen to transition years ago but that is just spilled milk at this point. I cannot change my past but I can make sure that my future is better.

My life is an open book. I will tell you about all my mistakes, failures, insecurities and past lives. The blog I have started chronicling my transition to a male body means a lot to me. I plan on sharing everything so that everyone can learn about what it means to be transgendered and that gender is not black or white...it is fluid. Gender and sexual lifestyle choices have to do with your soul's karma and your brain. You are born this way. Not to mention that everyone's spirit is both male and female, although some people in the body reflect more of one than the other, like myself. My soul is definitely male but my spirit is both. This is how it is.
Before we are born we choose our parents, our sex and where we are born. We choose these things based on the karma of our past lives and the lessons we need to learn and teach within this lifetime. I could chart my reasons for reincarnating as a transgendered person. there are many reasons and those reasons have to do with myself, my soul twin, the karma of my past lives and the life I have chosen to lead in this incarnation. It is hard sometimes to accept that we have chosen our lives down to the very last detail, especially when life has been more about suffering than love, understanding and joy. But once you realize that you are god within you, you can create the life you want to lead consciously on every level.

I will keep things to myself when it has to do with other people. I believe in being discreet when it has to do with someone who is a part of my life. I am not into telling everyone's truth to the world, just mine. If you are a part of that truth, which some of you are, you can be safe in knowing that I believe in discretion.

I hope that everyone out there will follow my sex change blog and mention it to their friends. Thanks for reading.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

The Truth.....


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Ride of Transition.

I have heard many times that taking Testosterone and transitioning is one helluva ride. I would definitely have to agree with that. It is definitely a "ride". Yesterday, on Sunday, I took a trip in my car to do a little bit of food shopping. On the way there I felt really different. I am starting to feel like the man that I am. All of a sudden i feel very energized, confident, strong and sexual. They say that taking T makes you very horny. Well it makes sense because all it is doing is making my brain male and less female. I definitely feel less emotional also. Things that have been really hurting me are still there, but there is not as much emotion attached to it. Which is a really good thing. I definitely feel more balanced and stronger-mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

TO READ THE REST OF THIS BLOG, PLEASE GOTO: http://becomingmichael.blogspot.com/

Originally posted in my blog called "Becoming Michael".

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Becoming Michael-My T Diaries.

Please check out my new blog called BECOMING MICHAEL about my transition from a female to a male. Please, please, please check it out and experience something that not too many people will experience. I have let everyone into my heart and soul, now it is time to step it up!


It really means a lot to me.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

My friend Christy's Art in Chelsea (New York City)

art : raw - inaugural show

Two of her pieces are in the art : raw inaugural show in Chelsea, NYC. Art Raw Gallery is a project space for experimentation founded on the collaboration between artists and curators, providing a forum for dialogue on contemporary culture.

They have her down as Anna Christina Trotter. http://www.littleshiva.com/imago.html

If your in the area...go and check it out.
She is amazing.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

New Blog about my Transition to a Male.

I am keeping a "T" diary here on blogspot.
It will chronicle all the changes physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually that I go through as I change sexes. Please check it out here:


Or click on my profile and the listing of all my blogs will come up.
I hope you follow this blog and experience this journey with me.

Thanks to XXBoys.


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Turner Classic Movies in the UK (TCM UK)

The little video about me that runs on Turner Classic Movies here in the USA is now being aired on TCM in the United Kingdom. I hope to get to visit there sometime soon.
Maybe, just maybe I will get something out of it playing over there.

Disclaimer: I was about 60 pounds heavier when i filmed this than I am now. At the time I did not want to film this piece yet because I wanted some time to get back into shape. 2006 was a really hard year for me. I got very out of shape and I gained a massive amount of weight. I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life when we filmed this. Turner could not wait to film this due to budget constraints so I was forced to film it as is. Kind of disappointing for me since it was always my dream to be on TCM. I am an actress and TV personality so it kind of sucks that this was my introduction to a lot of people in the entertainment industry, it hurts that I look really heavy. Such is my life. Full of laughter through pain.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Testosterone and Me.

I just took my first shot of Testosterone.

I wanted to explain to people a little bit why i have to take it. On the outside I have tits and a (big) clit. But on the inside, within my brain and blood, I am not a female at all. I have had a HUGE hormonal disorder my whole life! My estrogen is that of an old, post menopausal lady. It should be within the ranges of 400-550, but it is 40! I have only gotten my period about 8 times since 1997. When I do...boy it hurts. My ovaries dont work at all. My testosterone is higher than my estrogen. MY Testosterone was 63, the highest females go is 70. So I am definitely at the higher end of the scale.

This hormonal imbalance is the reason why I don't feel comfortable in my body when it comes to sex. Even though I have a very high sex drive and am horny everyday, I cannot seem to be able to transfer it to another person. Sex alone..no problem. I am shy when it comes to girls because of this. I don't feel like a lesbian, even though I need to be with a woman. I have always felt like a boy my whole life and because I don't have the level of Testosterone that I need to function like one, I have been unable to successfully enter in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone but myself. This also has to do with my priorities, my karma in this life and my heart. I cannot just sleep with anyone...woman or man. I am picky to a fault. I need to feel a connection on another level in order to want to have sex with a person. These connections are hard to come by. I am not just like everyone else who is satisfied with any warm body next to them.

So this brings me to why I am going on testosterone. I need to feel like a complete person. I need to have some kind of normal hormone level. Taking T and becoming a "man" is the only option I have besides misery. If I was born later, I would have known this about myself a lot earlier, as it is my generation didn't have the scientific breakthroughs in transgendered care that this younger generation does. Even though I am starting at 36...I look about 21. I don't even feel 36. I feel about 15. Most trans guys that take T will go through puberty again. I will too but since my ovaries dont work and the T doesn't have to fight to bring my E down, I should be a lot better off than other guys with a normal Estrogen level.

So here's to the the beginning of my new life. Even if no one else gives a shit about me...I care about myself....because myself is all I have, all I have ever had was myself and who knows it might be all I ever have.

I wanted to also say that the goal is not to be a like a complete bio guy.. Although it is my goal to have a man's chest and present male, I will always be part female. I embrace that. I am happy with that...but the truth is in my blood stream and brain. I am more male than female. i really like who I am. I am not going to trip on pronouns but I am sure after a point it will be natural for everyone to use "he" even though I don't care if they use "she". I like being both and I like being more male. I have always been a rebel and now I am even more of a gender rebel and that is sweet!

The only surgeries I want/need to have is top surgery. My breast are out of control big. Even if i wasn't trans I would want them to be almost nothing. The bottom, as of right now except for the growth I am going to get with my clit, is staying the same for sexual purposes. I might at some point do something to release my dick(clit), but only time will tell. These are choices I am making for myself.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Divine Creativity

“Never mind what is.

Imagine it the way

you want it to be

so that your vibration

is a match to your desire.

When your vibration is

a match to your desire,

all things in your experience

will gravitate to meet

that match every time."


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You are Changing the World.

You are Changing the World

by Mashubi Rochell
WorldBlessings. net

You are a magnificent and divinely inspired creation of God. You are here on the Earth during this very tumultuous time in history for a sacred purpose. Each soul that is here now, and each soul arriving to the Earth now, is here to participate in the momentous transformation process that is happening on the Earth. You are here not by accident, but by design. You have something unique and precious to contribute to the world, and now is the time for all that you are to unfold and be fulfilled.

This transformation process on the Earth is more than simply earth changes and environmental shifts. Planet Earth is a living being that has patiently waited in her evolution for this monument in time, when the spiritual doorways of light would begin to open and allow her to expand and grow into a new level of Herself. This spiritual shift has deep significance for all of life, and many billions of souls have gathered to be present physically during this time, to participate in and experience this shift.

For all souls, and for you in particular who are guided by your heart to read this message, there is profound and miraculous healing possible now in your life. All that has been a heavy burden in your heart, all that has limited you and kept you separate from God and from your true inner self, is now able to be fully and completely released and transformed. This is the reason so many souls are here now, to be transformed and moved forward into a new level of themselves.

At this time on the Earth, you are seeing the beginnings of an intense process of purification. All that has been out of harmony and separated from God’s sacredness and love, is being exposed and seen. The process of witnessing and seeing such negativity as it is being released is painful for all hearts to bear. All hearts who are open and filled with God’s love cry out at the terrible injustices and atrocities being manifest on the world stage.

The way through this time of purification is not to close your heart to avoid feeling the pain, nor is it to join with the negative energies by becoming angry, despairing or bitter. Rather, the way through lies in your deepest heart, which knows purity, innocence and love. The way through is to surrender yourself to Gods love, and to open your heart more. Pray to love more, to forgive more, to release your own self from resentment, bitterness and hatred. Pray for greater faith and a door shall open unto you.

When your heart and your consciousness become aligned with Gods love, light and truth, then you are no longer vulnerable to the negative energies of fear, despair and cynicism. You become a light to others, and your presence begins to have a positive effect on others around you. Even the Earth herself benefits from your physical presence, for when you align with Gods love and light, then you become a divine conduit for Gods light to enter the Earth more completely, assisting her in her own transformation process.

One day all of physically embodied life will come to know itself as One with the divine. People will no longer feel themselves as separate and alone. Even the animals will have a different relationship with each other, with people, and with the Earth, when separated consciousness has dissolved and the doorways of Gods light have awakened humanity.

You dearest ones, have before you a magnificent responsibility. Each thought you think, each word you speak and each action you take has an impact on the larger web of life that you are connected with. At this time when so much negativity is being expressed in the world, your choice to hold a consciousness of love, peace, hope, and faith makes a significant contribution to the network of light that is being created on the Earth.

There is much suffering happening in the world and love and light are needed. Your consciousness, your awareness, and your thoughts all impact this web of light. Your love strengthens others, and helps to hold and comfort those who are suffering. Your prayers make a huge impact, much larger than you realize, and so we encourage all who feel an abundance of Gods love in their hearts to pray for those in need.

The way through this time of purification is Gods love. Though many cannot yet feel this love, it is present and growing on the Earth. Your choice to love transforms the world, and we give great thanks for your participation in this sacred time.

To thine own self be true!

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Twin Souls: When Love Incarnates

N, you should watch this video.
All my love always.

The spiritual connection with our Twin Soul is intense and profound.

Many may experience, whether consciously or in a dream state, a feeling of connection in the form of a matrix of golden white threads of light, because this connection continues to exist in various dimensions and frequencies, beyond the realms of duality.

The relationship may last many lifetimes on the spiritual level alone, while one or both may be living physically with another soul in karmic agreement.

They may not be together in this dimension at some point, but they have not been truly apart.

Only when both original halves of the Twin Ray become strong pillars on their own, when both have healed and resolved their karmic ties in the present life; can they finally unite to fulfill their Divine Purpose.

The Breath of God is the force of Divine Action. Once the true Tonal Mates, the two parts of the Original Twin Flame, have come into union and are reunited through the Breath of God; NO element or energy from any octave, dimension, or frequency can shift the connection.

The reunion of the Keepers of the Flame is ultimately the Unification, or personification, of the Trinity: The Twin Flames and The Christ Consciousness.

The reunion of these parts will bring back to the world an unconditional love and service to mankind, which will transcend all definitions of male/female unions on this planet.

Through this, we as souls can finally manifest the higher Dimensional Frequencies of Oneness.

This is the ultimate goal: the reunion with our Twin, to create and amplify the Harmonic Intonation of Completion and to be of service of all Sources of Goodness and Pure Light.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Christmas in Connecticut.

So FYI to those that need and want to know. I will be in Connecticut from Dec 19th-Jan 6th. I will be in New York City from Dec. 27th-to possibly the 29th. Depends on money and how things go. There is a hardcore show at the Wallingford American Legion on Jan. 2nd with bands I have been wanting to see. Mostly Unforgiven (CTHC) and Trapped Under Ice (Baltimore hardcore) and the other local CT bands. I am stoked about it.

If you want my cell phone number...hit me up. Hope to see all my friends and loved ones this holiday season.