Saturday, December 20, 2008

Holy White Christmas Batman!

Damn...I am stuck in the middle of a blizzard here in Albany NY. I had to stay in a hotel because my family was unable to make the trip to Albany from CT to pick me up because of the blizzard. The motel is really nice and I have a jacuzzi room...boy could I get use to that. But since I am poor, it will probably be a long time before I get to use another one. I am taking full advantage of it while I am here.

The train ride was stressful and cold. We arrived in Chicago 8 hours late and I had no lay over, which meant that I was on the train for 4 days without a break. I was pretty crabby by the time I got to Albany and the blizzard I walked into did not make it any better. Hell its 7 am the next morning and it is still snowing outside. I wonder if I will have to stay here again tonight (Saturday)...but it is suppose to snow again on Sunday. I hope I am not still stuck here for Christmas!

I have been watching TCM since I got here. It feels awesome. I don't have cable because I couldn't afford it anymore after I took a huge pay cut when I went from working for someone else to working for myself. I am much happier working on my own..but...I miss the extra 200 dollars a week I was making. Oh well so no cable for me right now, but, when I have it, all I do is sit and watch TCM. From Aug of 2005-Jan 2007, I had cable and I gained a massive amount of weight just sitting there and watching TCM. I swear as soon as I got rid of the cable, or rather it got shut off for non payment of bill, I instantly started the slow struggle of losing weight. I have lost almost 70 pounds since then but I swear sitting on the train for 4 days, I put a few back on and I hardly ate anything!!! Just a few bagels and some snacks. They forgot to stock the cafe car with veggie burgers so I did not have a hot meal for 4 days.

The hormones I am taking, if I don't get exercise, I will gain weight, even if I don't over eat. I get so much exercise in Seattle that being on the train for 4 days must of been a shock to my system. Everyday I walk up massive hills, ride my bike (weather permitting), work 2 hard labor jobs that give me A LOT of exercise and take power walks around Capitol Hill. If I had good knees I would probably start running again. When I get back to Washington State I am going to join 24 hour fitness, which is right by my apt and really start working out. I have to lose about 50 more pounds in order to get chest reconstruction surgery. If I don't, the surgery doesn't come out as good and I want a decent chest so I can walk around without a shirt on. I need to lose the 50 pounds regardless. It blows my mind that I weighed as much as I did.

This is definitely a white Christmas but also a hard holiday season for me because of the massive amount of pain I am carrying in my heart. Everyday is painful for me but being back east for the holidays just makes it worse. My sadness will be tenfold of what it is in Seattle. I feel like a fake. Pretending that everything is ok because everything is not ok. I want to run from the sun but all I find is cold darkness when I do. My heart is sorry for what its done. I don't want to live this life anymore but TCM, the books I am writing and my paintings are the only things that keep me from killing myself. It has been this way since 1994. These 3 things have saved me time and time again. Not having cable is hard sometimes because I cannot watch TCM. If they even knew the depth of why I love that channel, my tattoo would seem insignificant.

"I am going the the underground...."

Peace be with you this holiday season.
Consume less and love more-

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

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