Friday, December 5, 2008

Testosterone and Me.

I just took my first shot of Testosterone.

I wanted to explain to people a little bit why i have to take it. On the outside I have tits and a (big) clit. But on the inside, within my brain and blood, I am not a female at all. I have had a HUGE hormonal disorder my whole life! My estrogen is that of an old, post menopausal lady. It should be within the ranges of 400-550, but it is 40! I have only gotten my period about 8 times since 1997. When I do...boy it hurts. My ovaries dont work at all. My testosterone is higher than my estrogen. MY Testosterone was 63, the highest females go is 70. So I am definitely at the higher end of the scale.

This hormonal imbalance is the reason why I don't feel comfortable in my body when it comes to sex. Even though I have a very high sex drive and am horny everyday, I cannot seem to be able to transfer it to another person. Sex problem. I am shy when it comes to girls because of this. I don't feel like a lesbian, even though I need to be with a woman. I have always felt like a boy my whole life and because I don't have the level of Testosterone that I need to function like one, I have been unable to successfully enter in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone but myself. This also has to do with my priorities, my karma in this life and my heart. I cannot just sleep with anyone...woman or man. I am picky to a fault. I need to feel a connection on another level in order to want to have sex with a person. These connections are hard to come by. I am not just like everyone else who is satisfied with any warm body next to them.

So this brings me to why I am going on testosterone. I need to feel like a complete person. I need to have some kind of normal hormone level. Taking T and becoming a "man" is the only option I have besides misery. If I was born later, I would have known this about myself a lot earlier, as it is my generation didn't have the scientific breakthroughs in transgendered care that this younger generation does. Even though I am starting at 36...I look about 21. I don't even feel 36. I feel about 15. Most trans guys that take T will go through puberty again. I will too but since my ovaries dont work and the T doesn't have to fight to bring my E down, I should be a lot better off than other guys with a normal Estrogen level.

So here's to the the beginning of my new life. Even if no one else gives a shit about me...I care about myself....because myself is all I have, all I have ever had was myself and who knows it might be all I ever have.

I wanted to also say that the goal is not to be a like a complete bio guy.. Although it is my goal to have a man's chest and present male, I will always be part female. I embrace that. I am happy with that...but the truth is in my blood stream and brain. I am more male than female. i really like who I am. I am not going to trip on pronouns but I am sure after a point it will be natural for everyone to use "he" even though I don't care if they use "she". I like being both and I like being more male. I have always been a rebel and now I am even more of a gender rebel and that is sweet!

The only surgeries I want/need to have is top surgery. My breast are out of control big. Even if i wasn't trans I would want them to be almost nothing. The bottom, as of right now except for the growth I am going to get with my clit, is staying the same for sexual purposes. I might at some point do something to release my dick(clit), but only time will tell. These are choices I am making for myself.

"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

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