Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Pain I Deserve.

It is ok that your going to cause me more pain because I deserve it. Want to know why I deserve it? In 1993 (with you) I did not play my part correctly. I did not play the part of the guy, like I was suppose to and like I wanted to. So many times in those critical first few months I wanted to hold you in my arms, make out with you, bring you home to my bed and tell you how much I loved you. But everyday, every hour with you I was so fucking afraid of myself, the god within and my sexuality. I know why you left me and it wasn't the lie you told yourself, it was my inability to have sex with you, my in ability to tell you how I feel and my inability to give you the love and affection that you needed. This is why I lost you.

Those silent moments, those times when you thought I was angry because I was silent and was those times that I wanted to tell you how I felt, wanted to take you in my arms, but in my head I was so afraid. All I could do was argue with myself to try and get myself to play my part. Every moment with you all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to tell you I loved you and how much I wanted to have sex with you. But I was a pussy and I was fucked up and I did not accept my sexuality and I was deeply confused over not being born in a male body and my extreme hormonal balance made it all so much worse.

I was never angry or unhappy when I was with you. NEVER. All I thought about was how much I loved you but because I did not act on these thoughts...I lost you. I fucked up our lifetime, I fucked my own life up for many years (and counting) because of the pain I now have to live with because of my serious mistake with you. All of our past lives make it worse because I was the male and always played my part. I understand why your soul would be confused and extremely hurt by my inaction. I am sorry. I suffer greatly because of this. I still love you just like I did all those years ago when I first met you. I deserve the pain you cause me and are going to cause me. I am sorry.

With a heavy heart,


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

No comments: