Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Post....Traumatic......Stress. Think about those 3 words for a second. Post (meaning after).....Traumatic (what your actions did to me)...Stress (the explosion of a star). When I think about the deep friendship and love we had, damn you know, no one acts the way you do. Those deep resentments you hold, the deep blame you feel, the envy-all of this holds you back and makes you sick. There is a great book out there called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This lady healed herself from cancer by changing her mental patterns and thoughts. I read this book many times and the one big thing I learned is that all negative thought patterns lead to physical illness. One of the causes of cancer is deep hidden resentments. Think about all those people in your life that caused unnecessary pain in your life. There were a lot and you deserved none of it. Each one of those people and circumstances need to be let go and destroyed for good or you will never find peace, you will never find sobriety. TRUE happiness is out there, just like the truth. You will never find it until you let go of those things that hold you back. Somethings take a long time, but every little bit of work you do helps a great deal, believe me I know.

There are somethings that still hold me back even though I have been working on them for many, many years. But those things are rare and they have to do with you. I don't understand you, I really don't. I thought I had problems communicating but damn some people are worse off than I am. The pain of the silence, the pain of your issues, the pain of your promises, the pain of your "real" last name being in the fucking garbage can, the pain of the talent you tossed away for the false belief that he completed you(????) when in actuality it was I that completed you. Obviously he completed you as much as heroin is good for you, which is not at all, or you would not have gotten divorced. Throwing away your best friend (the person you really loved), throwing away our future because of the false belief that he completed you is the cruelest joke of the 20th century. He gave you nothing! He was so jealous of your real talent that he had to dumb you down to make him feel better about himself. I love your mom so much for pushing you into divorcing him because he is/was the biggest fucking junkie loser I have ever met. He turned you into something fucking awful, something that you were trying not to become and that was a junkie and what you had to do in order to get your fix.

I am sorry my cock is not real, but you know what? My silicone cock fucking rules. It never gets soft, it is not going to get you pregnant and I can fuck for hours with it and I mean hours. When I think about why you put me in the garbage can it makes me want to slit my wrists. I am sorry I was not born and raised in New York City also. I am sorry I was not some sexually experienced nymph. Actually I had only a tiny bit of sexual experience and it was a biggest source of pain for me growing up.
Thanks so very much.

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