Friday, July 11, 2008

Mischa's Scar

Ok enough about my depressingly awesome punkrock life. Here is a short piece I wrote. I am taking a writing class called Bent. It is basically a class for people that consider themselves gay,bi-sexual,trans, etc. Basically if you are queer in anyway you can take this class. I love it and it is saving me from writers block. I am going to post almost all of the stuff I write for this class because frankly I am proud of what I have written so far. I call this one Mischa's Scar and it is about my ex-girlfriend who I met online in the X-Files chat room during the spring semester of 1999. She is from Vienna Austria and moved here to be with me in the spring of 2000. We had a long distance relationship online and through the phone for almost 6 months before we even met in person. She came to visit me in the fall of 99 with her mom. At that time I was really in the middle of my heroin addiction. She knew about it and wanted to help me. At the time she was one of those co-dependents with a savior complex so when I finally got clean she left me for some chick with a coke problem. Actually they are still together, as far as I know they moved back to Vienna Austria.

We ended up being together for 3 years. She helped me get clean and move to New Haven but when she walked out I suffered a 3 month relapse because the whole time I was clean I was not getting counseling and that ended up to be my undoing. But after that I started an intensive counseling program and I have been clean from heroin ever since. I would have almost 8 years if it was not for those 3 months, so technically I have been clean since august 2002 but I had a year and a half clean time before that.

Anyway without further adieu I present to you Misha's Scar.


She pressed the cigarette into her flesh. It sizzled and burned with the satisfaction of pain. Once the burn was in place she moved the cigarette to the next empty space on her arm, creating a checker board of cigarette burns on the young skin of her youth.She did this to feel the pain. 9 burns in a pattern. It made me sick to look at and I scolded her for it.

"Why did you do that?" I asked her. She just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. Right away I knew it was not my fault. I had not done or said anything to cause this insane moment of self mutilation. I decided right there and then that I was not going to pay for her choice, but the scar that was left disgusted me. Now I would have to live the next few months, the next few years with that scar. Reminding me of my heroin addiction and the pain it caused without even meaning to.

We had only just begun our journey but I knew she had to be handled with kid gloves. Her fragile state shocked me. She was the one who was suppose to be strong. I was the heroin addict mess that needed to be nurtured and cared for. I knew right then that my 28 year old issues were too much for her 19 year old head and I wished we had not started this relationship.

Even though she was going to save my life, I felt like I was going to ruin hers. Now she was going to have a souvenir her whole life because of a bad decision, a painful moment and a relationship that was meant to go bad from the beginning. These fragile hearts that we have within our chests break without much help from the world around us. Mischa's scar will always remind me of how fragile we can be.

The End


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