Thursday, July 10, 2008


It is unlike me to be depressed all the time. I do not have depression. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very different then depression or any of the rest of the mental illness disorders. But this year I have been pretty damn sad for the most part. This is suppose to be my year. The Chinese lunar year of the Rat. I am a Rat. Even though things seem to be moving along ok with my film and TV career, there is always more that I can do, but it gets harder and harder to do alone without any support from anywhere. My parents they're supportive but they are also 3000 miles away and only became supportive after the TCM piece about me was filmed. Most of my life I suffered without the emotional support of my parents, which I know I am not alone with.

I need you. I need you so much that I toss, turn and sleep all day. My emotional pain makes me feel as if I am being bombed from above. My soul constantly crouching in the corner with my head covered by an old army helmet. All in all I am fucking depressed. I have been single for 6 years and within that time I have not met one person that I wanted to even date. Being in seattle where there are hella queer girls you would think that it would be easy to meet someone, even if it was a guy since it seems straight girls are rare where I live, but I have not met anyone. The few people I have met since I moved to seattle that I had a connection with were either dirty as fuck with herpes or other random STD's, or a total insane alcoholic or drug addict, or they were just totally insane or they have a girlfriend all ready. I am not exaggerating either. This is the truth. I actually saw the girl with the STD's today and whenever I see her I run the other fucking way. An STD is not what I need or desire to get. It is too bad this girl did not take care of herself, but unfortunately she is disgusting and I am so glad that we did not sleep together because it almost happened 3 times but something always stopped me,thankfully. She never even told me until way later that she was dirty down under.

I am so tired of being alone. Out of the past 15 years only 3 years were spent in some kind of relationship but only because I have been in love with the same person for shall I say it, 1000's and 1000's of years factoring in all those past lives.
The bottom line is I am so fucking depressed because I need to not be alone anymore, I need my karma, I need you and it is not just going to go away. My empty, lonely life is coming to a point were things have to change or divine mother is going to take me out of the game somehow because I cannot go on the way I am anymore. Alone time is alone time but this is ridiculous.

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