Monday, November 3, 2008

What my life is about so far.

What my life is about so far.
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

For anyone that knows me and has known me for a while, it is obvious that I am never not alone. Most people that know me have never even known me to have any kind of relationship with anyone besides just friends. There is a reason for this and that reason is deeply connected to other lifetimes. If it was not for my belief in reincarnation and my visions of other lifetimes, I would not be alive. I could not have made it through the intense pain that I have gone through and still to this day go through. I have just learned to channel the pain into love because anger is just hidden pain and pain is just hidden love. When it comes right down to it my pain is just the result of the circumstances that surround an intense love. Those circumstances include many regrets and youthful indiscretions. The subject of which I am trying write a book about but reliving this pain is very hard because it still effects me intensely after 14 years. I have always had a feeling that my success lies in the publishing of this work. It better have for the amount of suffering it is taking to put all my notes and chapters together. My main goal of the book is too make a movie out of it. Although most writers probably want this, for me it is something that has to happen-I will work towards this goal until the day I die, but pain holds me back from finishing it. It is a double edged sword, everyone has to suffer for their art.

For the first time since I moved to Seattle I am going to be honest about why I moved here. I moved to Seattle to get as far away as I could from New York City and the person that plagues my heart. But I should of known that it was not going to work, as a matter of fact, it made it worse. If only I had listened to my inner voice a week before I moved because that little voice told me to wait. I didn't listen because everything had all ready been set in motion and I was too embarrassed and dumb to back down from my plan of evasion. Big mistake.

Now Seattle has not been all that bad, just not all that good. There are many things that I accomplished that I would not have accomplished in Connecticut, but that one reason I ran away was now hurting me more than ever. If only I could see divine mother's plan for me but all I can see is the love in my heart that will not let me be. This is what happens when you are with the same person over 1000's and 1000's of lifetimes. Maybe that is why they say-"Diversify your profile". I put all my eggs in one basket. For all you new souls out there, take my advice and diversify your love life.

Pray that you never have to feel this way. Be blessed with a new soul because us old souls die the hardest. To thine own self be true.

I know that many of you here in the NW are younger souls and this is why we do not hit it off very good. I could go on bashing the hardcore scene here for days, but I forgive and forget your nastiness. I have bigger shits to take. There is only one person that I love more than myself-only one. I love myself...a lot and that means I love this person even more. You can only imagine the pain I go through everyday. Why do you think I am not so fun to be around. I always just want to wear a frown and believe me it is not at all fun being eternally sad. I know that suicide is not the answer and drugs only make me feel better for a moment. There is no magic wand to take away my frown.

The truth shall set you free, only after it causes you an awful lot of pain. There are patches of enlightenment that get me through the day, but not until the karma of my pain is resolved, will I find true self realization and enlightenment. I await that day.

Peace be with you.

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