Friday, November 7, 2008

Sitting here.

I am sitting here as usual thinking about Nico. Sometimes I feel like I am completely off my nut and how did I get here in the first place? Before I met Nico I wasn't the happiest person in the world; but at least there was not one thought, person and memory bank that was blocking my ability to function, be happy and most importantly have the ability to know that there is someone out there for me. Now when I forecast my soul into the future and scan my present path to the future looking for the sign of a spouse-I come up blank, except for her. When I was younger I always knew that there was someone out there for me but that is was going to take a long time for us to be together. Go Figure.

Now that I am 36, I hear her in my head everyday. I am not crazy. Her and I have the ability to telepathically communicate in a huge way. She had the ability to know what I was thinking within the first two weeks of us knowing each other. That is very deep. Her powers of thought and spirit are ten times that of mine and mine are huge! You cannot even imagine how powerful this girl is. I am so in rapture over her soul. We tell each other how much we love each other just about everyday. I am not sure if there are days where we don't communicate at all but every once in a while it happens. We can communicate all day long if we want too. She knows when I am taking a shit and I know when she's walking around New York City, drinking coffee and talking to other people. If she allows me to I can track her movements all day long, but I would have to be pathetic to spiritually do this every second. As it is, our souls talk to each other alot, everyone needs some minutes to themselves.

I find myself unable to relate to 99.9 percent of other people because of this. Who else in this world has this kind of relationship? I doubt many people. One way or another whether its this life or the next, we will get the chance to finish what we started and continue where we left off a long time ago before everything got fucked up with heroin. But who knows when this will happen. How can I just go about my life just waiting for her. I cannot spend the rest of this life waiting for the next life. I just cannot do that. But I am suffering, suffering big time.

If it was not for the memory of our past lives I would really go insane. At least through these memories and thoughts I can make some kind of sense out of all this. I have done everything else on god's green earth to let go of this love that left me. Everyone goes through this if they allow themselves to love someone. I am not alone in that, but I am definitely alone with this.

I can't help but love this person. It does not matter that I have not seen her in ten years. Absence just makes the heart grow fonder and because I have this immense understanding of our past lives with the knowing that love never, ever dies, what the hell is 10 years when we have been together for 1000's and 1000's of lifetimes. She was the first to see our past lives.

My favorite moments of the day are when she shows me she loves me through a metaphor from a different life that I have not seen yet. They are wonderful and endless. I wish everyone could have a relationship like this, but actually have the person in body. The most painful moments of my day are when I realize how much she is actually not here and that she will not be here tomorrow or the next day or the next after that. The ball for actual communication is in her court. I cannot do anything more to get her to open up to me in body rather than just in spirit. It is very painful just sitting here hoping and waiting that someday the phone will ring, there will be a knock at the door or a letter in my Yahoo mail box. I wish I could just write about it and let it go, but I can't.

Existence, the universe, the planet earth and our karma is bigger than the both of us. I do not fully understand it but I do have a pretty good understanding of who I am and who she is to me. If we were together, my soul would be complete. I could learn so much about myself, my life, my talents and my purpose if we were together. She is not here because of my regrets. I was told by my master (spirit) guide that I made a huge mistake with her. My regrets were many and I was told that I would suffer for a long time because of it. I was told this in 95. 13 years later-those words remain a fact. I still suffer because of my regrets. I still suffer for the mistakes I made that had to do with youthful indiscretions and the lack of experience I had with sex and love.

If I had only known how deep we actually went when we were together, if only I had known. I fucking love her so much. God help me.

1 comment:

Michael Sigfried aka kimpunkrock said...

My friend sent me this comment about these last 2 blogs so I wanted to put it as a comment because it makes perfect sense.

From Littleshiva-

"Your situation reminds me of how a soldier can fight a horrible, bloody, gruesome war: he probably hates the war, but he fights for the ideal of peace."