People in Seattle are very cold socially. These are not my words but the words of the late Seattle Newspaper the Seattle P.I. But these words are very true. I have never had a hard time making friends my whole life. People say New York City is a cold place and the people are mean but let me tell you I had no problem making friends in NYC. Every time I lived there I was not lonely and had friends. Even if they were temporary, they were friends. Here in Seattle, even though it has been over 4 years since I lived here, I still hardly have any good friends and have not dated anyone since 2005!
Now I definitely have a bunch of great acquaintances, but those people I only see when I run into them in the street. We don't call each other nor do we hang out. I had one good friend since I moved here and she moved to Portland. I still miss her. Most of my good friends that are female have moved away throughout my life. As a kid I went through many years of pain over the loss of a few of them. I have always known the pains of emptiness, loneliness and sexual abstinence. Learning to live with this pain is something that took me many years and I am still not there yet.
Being transgendered is not easy. It is probably the hardest thing to deal with, harder than just being queer, harder than being sick, harder than being handicapped and disabled. Transgenderism encompasses all of these things. Imagine what it is like for your entire life to feel uncomfortable in your body and not know how to act or think like your gender. Imagine how hard it was in the 80's and even 90's dealing with this secret in a society that looked down on trans people like vomit. It is no wonder I tried to commit suicide a few times.
Most people will never know what this is like and how I have suffered for my entire life. I have been alone most of my life because of this. Imagine being sexually attracted to men but not emotionally and then being emotionally attracted to women but major issues when it came down to liking them sexually. The first woman I was attracted to sexually was the second love of my life even though this person is the major love of my life so far. But because I didn't feel comfortable as a woman, I had a very hard time expressing myself sexually. It is a long story and if you read my other blog I go into more detail. I never felt like a lesbian or queer woman. I never, ever fit into the queer scene and I still don't. This is frustrating for someone that is queer and a sexual minority. I was born this way and it is something I cannot help. Instead of killing myself, I am under going the procedure to make it right.
I know I will never be a real male and that is not the point anyway. It is about feeling comfortable in my skin, not being held back by my embarrassing breasts, being able to pass more as a male than a female and having the right amount of hormones that I need to function. I also go into my hormonal imbalance in more detail in my other blog. Please check it out to understand scientifically what I am talking about. I will always be someone that is both sexes but more male than female. I will always be kimpunkrock, even though my official name might change. I also am not tripping on pronouns. Until I get top surgery I am not going to be picky about being called he. I know that some people will never accept it and I dont expect them too. I can be she to them if that helps them get through the day. I dont care what others think.
Even though there is a huge trans community here in Seattle I dont feel like I am a part of it. It is very hard being pre-op. I found that I still dont fit into the queer/trans scene even though I should. This has to do with the fact that I am a REAL punk rocker and not some hot topic poser. Punk is a mindset of freedom from the restrictions of self judgment and social norms. People in the lesbian/queer scene stick to these pre-set notions of what a lesbian is suppose to be like. The gay scene within itself is very closed minded and I cannot handle hanging out with fake, drunk people that think the only thing that the community revolves around is drinking at bars. Queer coffee houses are very, very rare and if you find one the owners are usually tight wads that close earlier. NYC had a few good places that were open hella late, but even those places are now closed.
So as usual I stand alone. I am out of step, alone in the crowd, but I guess so are most highly intelligent (in)famous people.
"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."