Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Everytime you think of me.

Every time you think of me, I feel your presence around me. This is how is works because we are omnipresent. I really wish you understood. I wasn't fair that you wouldn't help me get over us. Was this an insidious plot to keep at your doorstep? Well it worked.

We go really deep and we really had a deep friendship. I never treated you badly, never got angry at you and never, ever, ever was violent towards you. As a matter of fact we never even fought.

I am sorry, once again that I did not live up to your expectations because of our past lives. My last lifetime was really fucked up. I now know why I was so afraid of my love for you and it is because of what happened to me with my girlfriend in my last lifetime. I literally overdosed, by accident from a relapse after she broke up with me. She was really evil and did me dirt. After I died she felt bad but knew it wasnt her fault. She was not who I thought she was. Unfortunately this fucked me up for you, the real deal. This coupled with the fact that both our mothers made us hate our sexuality really did us in. I did not deserve the treatment I got from you, and not even from our past lives did I deserve it. I say this again, you would not of killed yourself for me if we were unhappy or I mistreated you in anyway. As a matter of fact we love each other so much and it is really hard on you because you are still afraid of your love for me. Maybe it is because women really hurt you and it is unfortunate that you dont understand I am not a woman. I was transgendered in my last lifetime too, except I had really small tits and could pass without any surgery or testosterone.

I literally did not mean to hurt you over the holidays. You will probably never, ever understand the reason why what happened happened. It literally wasnt my fault and if you understood how deep I am and how deep the rabbit hole goes you would know that I did not do it to hurt you, as a matter of fact I thought I was joining you on the other side, maybe it sounds crazy and you know what, it is. But I know I am not the body now and I wasnt really too concerned with my body at the time. I dont know at all what happened. it is all mostly a complete blackout. I really mean it when I said I had a PTSD blackout, because I really did. You have no idea what happened to me in CT as soon as I got to my parents house. Plus for the three months before I went back east, I lost my counselor, who did me dirt and went DOWN hill without it. Counseling for my PTSD, along with medical marijuana is my prescription. I dont have depression, or bi-polarity or schizophrenia, I have PTSD which is not treated with psych meds successfully because I only have nightmares at my parents house and not here in Seattle. They only made medication for the nightmares, which I dont have much at all anymore so I dont need to take those pills.

I wish you understood. I wish you had some compassion and forgiveness. I did not mean to embarrass you. But NONE of this wouldnt of happened if for one you did not lie to me, two, you helped me get over us, three, you told me how you really felt instead of telling me in spirit all the time. That tore me up but i got addicted to your love in spirit and it almost was enough. Now that love in spirit is in jeopardy because you really hate what I have done and you think it was done out of spite to hurt you. I am telling you it wasnt, but I am afraid you will never understand because you are not self-realized, you have no idea how far the rabbit hole goes and you lost your positive magic years ago because Brian destroyed your soul.

You know what? If someone knows how bad heroin addiction is and how much you suffer and they still get the person they "love" messed up on heroin, that person is a fucking scum bag. He never really loved you. He destroyed our TV show and was so jealous of your talent that he took your divine creativity and threw it in the garbage. He also kept you fucked up and away from me because his soul knows our karma and he knew I was the one you loved. But you got so fucked up on heroin and blamed me because I left you when it had NOTHING to do with me. You LOVED ME SO MUCH that you had to kill the pain somehow because you were too fucked up to take a stand with your true feelings and I am sorry.

I truly NEVER stopped loving you and I truly wont ever stop loving you. I apologize for embarrassing you and I apologize for bringing our dirt into your family and husband (or whatever the fuck he is).

Every time you think of me I feel you in my presence. If you want me to stay away from you in spirit, then dont think about me. Contemplate on how bad you feel about what you did, but i will tell you something also, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I DO NOT BLAME you at all, but it would be nice if you were honest with yourself just once so maybe I CAN get some COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING from you.

One more thing, war is horrific for the soul. I have been through 3 really bad ones almost in a row and I died in each one leaving my wife, who i loved more than the universe all alone to fend for herself. These wars may have fucked you up too, but believe me honey, they fucked me up more. I wish to god you understood and was your true self again. My little witch that put a love spell on me 100's of years ago that is still in effect to this day. You know what I loved you anyway and would have the same way without the spell, just some little tid bit for your soul.

I never meant to hurt you ever and I wish you understood that because every time you think of me I feel you in my presence.


"Wars May Come and Wars May Go But Art Is Forever."

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