Hunger

Hunger.
The trap of the senses.
It leads me down all sorts of paths-
Cheesy, salty, sweet, sour or spicy,
hunger could lead to them all
in the middle of the night
I awake with the pang,
my thighs digress as
the nighttime function
known as sleep
turns all calories into fat.

The pangs of the belly
howl when I am depressed-
leading to an empty hollow need
that is only temporarily
filled by food.
Leaving me feeling worse.
Somedays I want
to not be hungry,
to not be a slave
to my body.

Like love we all
need food to survive.
Just one more trait
that makes us at one
with the animals
that surround us.
I fast like Gandhi
to overcome the sensual satisfaction
that is food.
But hunger-
never
escapes
me.

"the end"

Depressed Angels.

Wandering above the buildings
in the night sky.
the pain of the planet
has reached the other realms.
The Angels cry
over the new york city skyline.
The darkness below
has swept their love away,
attached to this pain,
there is nothing,
on this earth plane
that can heal the depressed angels.
But still they wonder
when love is coming
to save each another.
Fly, angels, fly.

I Digress

Seattle Coffee Shop
drunken caffeine addicted
still missing you in this
city of my childhood dreams
I Pray to the light
to take me out of this place
and bring me home
to a place called heaven
or New York or both....
...I digress.

I am 35 and I feel about 2.
sometimes the inside of me
is not so pretty...
...I digress.

She needs me,
cross out the S
whenever your in doubt
cross out the S...
....I digress.

He needs me,
gone with the S.
She needs me,
is she both inside?
Yes...
....I digress.

It's driving me crazy,
the passion I possess.
Gone with the wind can't save me.
...I fucking digress.

I love you.
I didn't cripple you did I?
...I digress.

In this forest,
I am the hungry lion.
you are the meat of my soul,
the bread of my chest...
...I digress.

I want to let you go,
but I can't.
Something in my soul
won't let me.
In my chest,
in my chest,
I shall not rest
until you eat of
the bread of my chest.
...I digress.

underwear

Sitting around in my green day boxer briefs,
wishing I was married,
tied down at my port of call.
I know that in these underpants
was not what you wanted,
too bad I could not see
what you needed
was this huge cock
I have inside of me.

Ever since I was little,
I felt like a boy,
it made my father angry
but my mother it destroyed.
She made fun of me,
till I could not believe,
in the beautiful being
I had inside of me.

I know I am not alone,
many parents are homophobic,
truth be told,
but I was born this way
to learn some hard lessons
through a love I cannot avoid.

If you only knew
how long we have been together,
it is easy to understand,
why I need your touch on earth
more than just in heaven.

The End.

De-fucking-pression all around.

Just like my economy,
I am de-pressed.
The price of gas has made it impossible for me to travel places with my car. Which is fine with me because I would rather not pollute WA with my fumes. But all the traveling I have done in the past 2 months has depleted my savings and when all my good friends hang out 45 minutes from Seattle-it can get frustrating.

Everything has gone up in price. My bank account has caught up with inflation, I am feeling the pains of a country in the middle of an economic depression. We can thank war for that and we can thank Bush for it too.

My goal...my goal is to get out of Seattle and move to New York City. It seems like getting back to NYC has been my goal for decades. The one goal that alludes and escapes me. I know I will make it there someday. It was my dream to move to Seattle when I was a kid and I made that one come true with hard work and patience. But my depression has gotten me down and I don't want to leave the house. The last 6 months have been really hard for me. I have never been this depressed in my life. Maybe I have always been this down but all the drugs and cigarettes must have covered it up. Now I definitely know that drugs just prolong your suffering but there was a time when I had no choice, the pain was to great. At least now I have the strength to know what it is inside of me that hurts. Things go deep and your pain is not only from this lifetime but all the ones before. Boy does it hurt not being with you. It fucking kills.

Head in my Hands

Head in my Hands.
Losing my patience,
The nightmare of this life,
Slowly coming true.
I am in hell.

To Whom it May concern-

:(
:(
:(
:(
:(
:(

Nothing.
Empty.
Sad.

Without you.


Alone.
Sorry.
Regretful.

Without you.


Depressed.
Needful.
Pain.

Without you.

Disabled.
Social Security.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Without you.

Post.......Traumatic.......Stress..........

Post....Traumatic......Stress. Think about those 3 words for a second. Post (meaning after).....Traumatic (what your actions did to me)...Stress (the explosion of a star). When I think about the deep friendship and love we had, damn you know, no one acts the way you do. Those deep resentments you hold, the deep blame you feel, the envy-all of this holds you back and makes you sick. There is a great book out there called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. This lady healed herself from cancer by changing her mental patterns and thoughts. I read this book many times and the one big thing I learned is that all negative thought patterns lead to physical illness. One of the causes of cancer is deep hidden resentments. Think about all those people in your life that caused unnecessary pain in your life. There were a lot and you deserved none of it. Each one of those people and circumstances need to be let go and destroyed for good or you will never find peace, you will never find sobriety. TRUE happiness is out there, just like the truth. You will never find it until you let go of those things that hold you back. Somethings take a long time, but every little bit of work you do helps a great deal, believe me I know.

There are somethings that still hold me back even though I have been working on them for many, many years. But those things are rare and they have to do with you. I don't understand you, I really don't. I thought I had problems communicating but damn some people are worse off than I am. The pain of the silence, the pain of your issues, the pain of your promises, the pain of your "real" last name being in the fucking garbage can, the pain of the talent you tossed away for the false belief that he completed you(????) when in actuality it was I that completed you. Obviously he completed you as much as heroin is good for you, which is not at all, or you would not have gotten divorced. Throwing away your best friend (the person you really loved), throwing away our future because of the false belief that he completed you is the cruelest joke of the 20th century. He gave you nothing! He was so jealous of your real talent that he had to dumb you down to make him feel better about himself. I love your mom so much for pushing you into divorcing him because he is/was the biggest fucking junkie loser I have ever met. He turned you into something fucking awful, something that you were trying not to become and that was a junkie and what you had to do in order to get your fix.

I am sorry my cock is not real, but you know what? My silicone cock fucking rules. It never gets soft, it is not going to get you pregnant and I can fuck for hours with it and I mean hours. When I think about why you put me in the garbage can it makes me want to slit my wrists. I am sorry I was not born and raised in New York City also. I am sorry I was not some sexually experienced nymph. Actually I had only a tiny bit of sexual experience and it was a biggest source of pain for me growing up.
Thanks so very much.

Monday = blah.

Went to a hardcore show yesterday at my scene's collective known as The Viaduct. These awesome kids got together and opened this amazing venue in the vein of ABC No Rio and Gilman St. in California. Basically it is an all ages venue with no alcohol (but a slew of dive bars nearby) and no asshole club owner telling us what we can and cannot do. It works because most of the kids that work there and run it are straight edge. We also police ourselves. Stopping people from putting the club in danger of being shut down. We pride ourselves on being positive but strict on dumb people doing dumb things. I love this place and if it was in Seattle I would volunteer there all the time. It is in Tacoma WA which is about a 45 minute drive from Seattle (without traffic).

My friends from CT, a band named Hostage Calm played on Sunday. I was excited to see them again. 3 times this year is a treat. I saw them once in Jan in Queens when I was back east for the holidays, once at Rain Fest and then yesterday. Seeing them and being near them makes me closer to home and closer to the one I love. I wish I could of jumped in their van and stowed away for the east coast. They were on tour with a band from Mass called The Effort. The Effort are one of the best newer hardcore straightedge bands out there today. With songs about wanting to change yourself for the betterment of humanity, hardcore today is much different than the hardcore of the past. I cannot exactly put it into words but today's hardcore is sung by an even more aware and positive youth. I love it. One of the reasons I do not exactly fit into the norms of punk rock society is because my main goal in life is not drinking and that is ok. I know my punk brothers and sisters will catch up and ride the posi straight edge hardcore wave. You don't have to be edge to be positive. Soul control, who also played yesterday, from RI are another spiritual hardcore band. I love it. Bands are really stepping up the spiritual content and this makes me happy. Vanguard, one of my favorite local bands, headlined and did not disappoint. This band rocks my world so hard. I am so glad that I stumbled into this hardcore scene.

I went to three shows in a row and now on Monday I am pretty spent. I would love to lay around on my couch all day thinking of my love and rocking out with my blankets, but I have stupid posters to pick up and put up. I still might just lay around though. Being your own boss rules but I am still the girl with her head in her hands wondering what went wrong. I really, really just want one thing--------------------------------and that is------------------------------
to be with--------------------------------------------------------------you.

Fuck---good night cruel world.
Tonight I hold you in my blanket.

the end.

(&*%$)

Fuck.
I am so tired of missing you,
every day,
every week,
every hour,
how did I get into this mess?

Fuck.
I am so tired of being alone,
every day,
every week,
every hour,
all this pain I try to suppress.

Fuck.
there is no one good enough
or talented enough,
or sober enough,
or cute enough,
to make me stop loving you.

Fuck.
If I was a guy,
we would all ready be married.
that rips me up inside
like all those broken mirrors and ripped up pictures
I have been thrown away.