It is unlike me to be depressed all the time. I do not have depression. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very different then depression or any of the rest of the mental illness disorders. But this year I have been pretty damn sad for the most part. This is suppose to be my year. The Chinese lunar year of the Rat. I am a Rat. Even though things seem to be moving along ok with my film and TV career, there is always more that I can do, but it gets harder and harder to do alone without any support from anywhere. My parents they're supportive but they are also 3000 miles away and only became supportive after the TCM piece about me was filmed. Most of my life I suffered without the emotional support of my parents, which I know I am not alone with.
I need you. I need you so much that I toss, turn and sleep all day. My emotional pain makes me feel as if I am being bombed from above. My soul constantly crouching in the corner with my head covered by an old army helmet. All in all I am fucking depressed. I have been single for 6 years and within that time I have not met one person that I wanted to even date. Being in seattle where there are hella queer girls you would think that it would be easy to meet someone, even if it was a guy since it seems straight girls are rare where I live, but I have not met anyone. The few people I have met since I moved to seattle that I had a connection with were either dirty as fuck with herpes or other random STD's, or a total insane alcoholic or drug addict, or they were just totally insane or they have a girlfriend all ready. I am not exaggerating either. This is the truth. I actually saw the girl with the STD's today and whenever I see her I run the other fucking way. An STD is not what I need or desire to get. It is too bad this girl did not take care of herself, but unfortunately she is disgusting and I am so glad that we did not sleep together because it almost happened 3 times but something always stopped me,thankfully. She never even told me until way later that she was dirty down under.
I am so tired of being alone. Out of the past 15 years only 3 years were spent in some kind of relationship but only because I have been in love with the same person for shall I say it, 1000's and 1000's of years factoring in all those past lives.
The bottom line is I am so fucking depressed because I need to not be alone anymore, I need my karma, I need you and it is not just going to go away. My empty, lonely life is coming to a point were things have to change or divine mother is going to take me out of the game somehow because I cannot go on the way I am anymore. Alone time is alone time but this is ridiculous.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
In Spirit Memoriam.
Have you ever had someone in your life that you went so deep with that you could communicate in spirit, without a phone, or body or email? Well I do and to be honest, it is driving me nuts. Telling me you love me in spirit is a really nice thing to hear, but when it comes down to not being able to hear it for real in body or on the phone or in an email, that shit can become painful and one can start to question their sanity. I can understand if the person who is doing the spiritual communicating is dead but when you have a body here on the planet, there is no time like the present to take control of your life and communicate using the vehicle you are in, the one known as your body. If you have something to say----say it, as long as it is honest and true to what your heart feels. Anything other than that is a lie.
I am not complaining mind you. I would rather hear the words I love you in spirit then not at all but life is short and life is precious, just ask those that have lost ones that they love to death. If I could really write how I am feeling right now there is probably only one person out there that would know what I am talking about. Anyway I could die today. I could get hit by a bus or car while I am putting up posters in Capitol Hill, there have been many near misses that I am not proud of. I definitely need to pay attention more when I am out there postering. All I am saying is that I deserve more before I leave this life. I work my fucking ass off. Even with my post traumatic stress I am able to do what needs to be done so that I can eat and buy a hardcore record but living without love from another person in my life sucks especially when you hear in spirit all the time that your loved. I hate my fucking life.
I am not complaining mind you. I would rather hear the words I love you in spirit then not at all but life is short and life is precious, just ask those that have lost ones that they love to death. If I could really write how I am feeling right now there is probably only one person out there that would know what I am talking about. Anyway I could die today. I could get hit by a bus or car while I am putting up posters in Capitol Hill, there have been many near misses that I am not proud of. I definitely need to pay attention more when I am out there postering. All I am saying is that I deserve more before I leave this life. I work my fucking ass off. Even with my post traumatic stress I am able to do what needs to be done so that I can eat and buy a hardcore record but living without love from another person in my life sucks especially when you hear in spirit all the time that your loved. I hate my fucking life.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Gits, the year 1993 and my own private brokeback mountain.
The Gits were a female fronted band from Seattle in the early 90's. In 1993 I was living in New York City and working at the Continental on St. Marks and 3rd in the east village. One night while hanging out video taping my friends band on my night off a man approached me and asked me if I taped bands a lot and if I knew a lot about female fronted bands in New York City. It happened that I did tape bands all the time and I did know a lot about female fronted bands at that time in New York. The year was 1993.
The guy introduced himself as a music supervisor from Hollywood who was in town doing research on female fronted bands for a major motion picture and he needed an assistant while he was in town to run the camera and make the bands feel more comfortable. He figured if he had a female punkrocker riot grrl on his team, the
girls would open up. He wanted me to be there for a bunch of different interviews but I only did two of them . 1993 was the technological dark ages compared to now. If I had a cell phone back then I might not of missed one of the interviews we were suppose to do with this band called Magnapop, but such is life. The one important interview of this experience was with the band 7 year Bitch. You see 7 Year Bitch was suppose to be there with The Gits, but because the lead singer was murdered 3 weeks earlier, The Gits were no longer a part of the interview and 7 Year Bitch were here by themselves. Right away their manager told us that the girls were very, very upset over Mia's death but were still up to do the interview. So we made our way to an empty hotel room were the interview took place. As soon as the band met me I felt as if I had known them for years. Some kind of powerfully deep energy entered me that day. The interview was basically them opening their heart about Mia and how Mia was the one that got them to be a band in the first place. It was a deep interview. The whole time I felt as if a part of Mia's spirit entered me and when I look back on how I looked back then, I was a miniature version of Mia Zapata when she had her dreadlocks. I became friends with the members of 7 Year bitch and later that night I met them at the Knitting Factory and we shared some beers while Val Agnew, the drummer from 7 Year cried on my shoulder over the loss of Mia Zapata.
I saw the girls in 7 Year a few times after that, once in the fall of 93 when they played a NYC show which I got on tape and to this day I am working on getting it transfered to DVD. Anyway I had my own drama going on that year and it was not until 94 when The Gits entered my life again in the form of their posthumous Enter the Conquering Chicken LP. From that time on Mia was an angel to me. Since I was suppose to meet her until this disgusting inhuman brute took her away from this life, she came to me anyway in the form of a guiding angel.... but more as a friend. Through her music, my dreams and my super natural life, I did meet Mia. I know that if we did meet that day when we were suppose to, I might have fallen hard for this soulful punkrock angel that might of cradled me in her arms with the light of her friendship and love. Somehow we go deep. Her spirit spent a good deal of time with me, when there were others that needed her more I imagine. But I know for a fact that her spirit guided me and gave me strength through many hard times during the 90's and through much of my heroin addiction during the last few years of the 20th century.
Anyway now there is a movie about Mia and The Gits. I saw it for the first time in 2005 at the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) and it was then that i met the band, finally, and caught up with my old friends from 7 Year Bitch. It meant a lot to me that the remaining members of the band remembered the interview they were suppose to have. It was an amazing 2 days and I will never, ever forget those 2 after parties.
Now finally in 2008 the movie is being offically released on DVD and in theaters. Tonight was the official Seattle premiere with one of the film makers speaking and one more after party at The Comet Tavern here in Capitol Hill, which was the last place Mia was seen 15 years ago today, July 7th. I went and was a guest of the Producer which meant a lot to me. The after party was nice, but not near as fun as the ones in 2005. Those parties need a blog for themselves alone!
The Gits will always mean a lot to me. I will always love Mia Zapata and the friendship that was taken from me before it even started. I look forward to my friendship with Steve the drummer. I am hoping to do something creative with him sometime in the future. We both have a lot to work out creatively from the year 1993. I know for a fact that I never got over events in my own life from that year, in a way I understand how they feel, I had something taken from me too. But that is another story.
For more info goto:
www.thegits.com
www.thegitsmovie.com
to listen to some songs now goto:
http://www.myspace.com/thegitsrule
The guy introduced himself as a music supervisor from Hollywood who was in town doing research on female fronted bands for a major motion picture and he needed an assistant while he was in town to run the camera and make the bands feel more comfortable. He figured if he had a female punkrocker riot grrl on his team, the
girls would open up. He wanted me to be there for a bunch of different interviews but I only did two of them . 1993 was the technological dark ages compared to now. If I had a cell phone back then I might not of missed one of the interviews we were suppose to do with this band called Magnapop, but such is life. The one important interview of this experience was with the band 7 year Bitch. You see 7 Year Bitch was suppose to be there with The Gits, but because the lead singer was murdered 3 weeks earlier, The Gits were no longer a part of the interview and 7 Year Bitch were here by themselves. Right away their manager told us that the girls were very, very upset over Mia's death but were still up to do the interview. So we made our way to an empty hotel room were the interview took place. As soon as the band met me I felt as if I had known them for years. Some kind of powerfully deep energy entered me that day. The interview was basically them opening their heart about Mia and how Mia was the one that got them to be a band in the first place. It was a deep interview. The whole time I felt as if a part of Mia's spirit entered me and when I look back on how I looked back then, I was a miniature version of Mia Zapata when she had her dreadlocks. I became friends with the members of 7 Year bitch and later that night I met them at the Knitting Factory and we shared some beers while Val Agnew, the drummer from 7 Year cried on my shoulder over the loss of Mia Zapata.
I saw the girls in 7 Year a few times after that, once in the fall of 93 when they played a NYC show which I got on tape and to this day I am working on getting it transfered to DVD. Anyway I had my own drama going on that year and it was not until 94 when The Gits entered my life again in the form of their posthumous Enter the Conquering Chicken LP. From that time on Mia was an angel to me. Since I was suppose to meet her until this disgusting inhuman brute took her away from this life, she came to me anyway in the form of a guiding angel.... but more as a friend. Through her music, my dreams and my super natural life, I did meet Mia. I know that if we did meet that day when we were suppose to, I might have fallen hard for this soulful punkrock angel that might of cradled me in her arms with the light of her friendship and love. Somehow we go deep. Her spirit spent a good deal of time with me, when there were others that needed her more I imagine. But I know for a fact that her spirit guided me and gave me strength through many hard times during the 90's and through much of my heroin addiction during the last few years of the 20th century.
Anyway now there is a movie about Mia and The Gits. I saw it for the first time in 2005 at the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) and it was then that i met the band, finally, and caught up with my old friends from 7 Year Bitch. It meant a lot to me that the remaining members of the band remembered the interview they were suppose to have. It was an amazing 2 days and I will never, ever forget those 2 after parties.
Now finally in 2008 the movie is being offically released on DVD and in theaters. Tonight was the official Seattle premiere with one of the film makers speaking and one more after party at The Comet Tavern here in Capitol Hill, which was the last place Mia was seen 15 years ago today, July 7th. I went and was a guest of the Producer which meant a lot to me. The after party was nice, but not near as fun as the ones in 2005. Those parties need a blog for themselves alone!
The Gits will always mean a lot to me. I will always love Mia Zapata and the friendship that was taken from me before it even started. I look forward to my friendship with Steve the drummer. I am hoping to do something creative with him sometime in the future. We both have a lot to work out creatively from the year 1993. I know for a fact that I never got over events in my own life from that year, in a way I understand how they feel, I had something taken from me too. But that is another story.
For more info goto:
www.thegits.com
www.thegitsmovie.com
to listen to some songs now goto:
http://www.myspace.com/thegitsrule
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Everyday is like Sunday
Today is Sunday. Last night I drove to Olympia to go see Have Heart and Verse for their second Washington state date. I took pictures this time and I am going to post them up on here later tonight. Many of them came out blurry. I desperately need a better camera for live action shots. The 6 mega pixel Kodak camera I got was a b-day gift from my mom and dad a few years ago. I like it but not for taking live action band shots, but it is better than nothing and I have taken some amazing pictures with this camera.
A friend of mine started a clothing line called Actual Pain. I went to the line unveiling today at this awesome store called Winner's Circle. In exchange for putting up some posters for this shop, I was given a 3 of a kind Actual Pain hoodie that was priced at 100 dollars. I am stoked about it mostly because it came with a set of 5 pins that are only found on the hoodies. The back of it has a giant spider wrapping it's legs around a cross with the word "CHINGON" written above it. Chingon means bad mother fucker in Spanish.
All in all, today was a good day.
A friend of mine started a clothing line called Actual Pain. I went to the line unveiling today at this awesome store called Winner's Circle. In exchange for putting up some posters for this shop, I was given a 3 of a kind Actual Pain hoodie that was priced at 100 dollars. I am stoked about it mostly because it came with a set of 5 pins that are only found on the hoodies. The back of it has a giant spider wrapping it's legs around a cross with the word "CHINGON" written above it. Chingon means bad mother fucker in Spanish.
All in all, today was a good day.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Getting off my chest the things we carry
This post is meant to be an explanation of some of my previous blogs. Although Have Heart came up with the album title "the things we carry", I have always had the wisdom to see the things that I have carried in this life and the ones before it. There are some things that I have gotten off my chest through emails or blogs that have made the things I carry a little bit lighter. I would rather get things off my chest and let them go for good in the form of a public blog or private email then take them out on someone I love in the future. But there are a few things that even though I talk about them, will not just go away. Sometimes you need other people to fix the things that happened or the things they did if even if it is in the form of an apology or in the form of understanding or even in the form of a tearful hug, things from the past can be washed away with three simple words- I Love You.
My previous blog is an example of me getting things off my chest. I did not want to carry around those thoughts on the marriage of my sweet love anymore. I definitely feel better about it, but the pain of the loss of the person that was more than my best friend, more than my creative partner and more than the person I was in love with still hurts everyday. It has been 15 years and I still cannot let go of a love that is never ending, a love that was not able to spread its wings and fly, a love that was suppressed because of the homophobic nature of our parents. This is the reason for me getting her name tattooed on my arm. When it was being done it felt so good. I had always wanted to do it and now it is finally done. I am constantly getting compliments on it even though it is just a name but the letters are special and it really, really looks fucking cool. It also healed up good.
This band Ruiner has a shirt that says-Bottom Line Ruiner Fuck you. Well to end this blog I am going to steal that line but tweak it.
Bottom Line
KIMPUNKROCK
Loves you.
thanks for reading.
My previous blog is an example of me getting things off my chest. I did not want to carry around those thoughts on the marriage of my sweet love anymore. I definitely feel better about it, but the pain of the loss of the person that was more than my best friend, more than my creative partner and more than the person I was in love with still hurts everyday. It has been 15 years and I still cannot let go of a love that is never ending, a love that was not able to spread its wings and fly, a love that was suppressed because of the homophobic nature of our parents. This is the reason for me getting her name tattooed on my arm. When it was being done it felt so good. I had always wanted to do it and now it is finally done. I am constantly getting compliments on it even though it is just a name but the letters are special and it really, really looks fucking cool. It also healed up good.
This band Ruiner has a shirt that says-Bottom Line Ruiner Fuck you. Well to end this blog I am going to steal that line but tweak it.
Bottom Line
KIMPUNKROCK
Loves you.
thanks for reading.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Mulder and Scully and/or The Things We Carry
I fucking love the X-Files. That TV show was my friend through thick and thin. I can definitely relate to that show more than most people will ever even relate to their kids. Some of the spiritual, metaphysical and unexplained things that happened in that TV show have happened to me and I must thank Chris Carter and all involved in that show because if it was not for some of those episodes I might have ended up in a loony bin for a long time. Hell if it was happening to Mulder and Scully then I knew everything was going to be ok and that I was not crazy.
Now that another movie is coming out I am definitely beyond stoked. I will actually hit up the premiere in Seattle when it happens and I never, never, never goto the movie theater. I cannot stand 95 percent of new films made today. I would rather watch Casablanca about a million times before I see the latest George Clooney bomb.
Anyway this blog is not really about the X-Files, even though I am watching my favorite season on DVD as I write this (6) and Gillian Anderson and I have the same birthday (August 9th) which I always thought was pretty damn deep. I also never ever saw the last ever episode that ended season 9. I just obviously did not want it to end and could not even watch that last episode, but before the movie comes out I will definitely buy season 9 and watch the last ever televised new X-Files episode that played on Fox TV.
But like I said before this blog was not suppose to be about the X-Files. This blog was about getting something off my chest. Since it has been published I realized that I did not want to insult the person I was talking about. So since it has probably been read by the person I wanted to read it, I am taking the last half of this blog down. Lets leave it to Mulder and Scully to investigate the mess we made out of our lives.
Blessed be your soul on the planet.
-
kim
Now that another movie is coming out I am definitely beyond stoked. I will actually hit up the premiere in Seattle when it happens and I never, never, never goto the movie theater. I cannot stand 95 percent of new films made today. I would rather watch Casablanca about a million times before I see the latest George Clooney bomb.
Anyway this blog is not really about the X-Files, even though I am watching my favorite season on DVD as I write this (6) and Gillian Anderson and I have the same birthday (August 9th) which I always thought was pretty damn deep. I also never ever saw the last ever episode that ended season 9. I just obviously did not want it to end and could not even watch that last episode, but before the movie comes out I will definitely buy season 9 and watch the last ever televised new X-Files episode that played on Fox TV.
But like I said before this blog was not suppose to be about the X-Files. This blog was about getting something off my chest. Since it has been published I realized that I did not want to insult the person I was talking about. So since it has probably been read by the person I wanted to read it, I am taking the last half of this blog down. Lets leave it to Mulder and Scully to investigate the mess we made out of our lives.
Blessed be your soul on the planet.
-
kim
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Taste of the Floor
Pat Flynn gets all the credit for this one.
It is funny how sometimes someone will write a song that is about a moment in your life or a feeling or a pain or just regularly how you feel. There have been some amazing bands this century that have written songs that have basically been a reflection of my heart and soul. It leads me to believe that the oneness that I have been learning about and trying to live is so real that it is beyond our understanding.
Anyway this song called Taste of the Floor is on Have Heart's new record called Songs to Scream at the Sun. The whole album is just chock full of songs that I can relate to, but this one in particular makes me scream it at the sun.
These lyrics remind me of someone I love very much that I just cannot forget. Pat might as well of been an angel on my shoulder for him to write this song. It really means a lot to me and when Have Heart just played it he dedicated it to Punk Rock Kim and everyone else that feels the loss of someone they love deeply. That shit meant a lot to me!
The Taste of The Floor
by Have Heart
words by Patrick Flynn
www.myspace.com/haveheart
The Taste of the Floor reminds me of the skin
that leaves me in oceans of my soul
without a shore
So alone
So we'll Hold
those barren bodies
bereft of any soul
to get back what
the "middle of the nights" stole:
the forgotten feeling of feeling whole
but the loneliness
of our togetherness
creates an empty nest
for the emptiness
freezing in this chest.
so can you make me feel good?
Make me feel complete?
help me return to a dream of a love
worth more than
dirt and meat.
If you want to hear this song buy the new CD from Have Heart at www.bridge9.com or hit up I tunes on July 8th to buy this song.
---------------------
It is funny how sometimes someone will write a song that is about a moment in your life or a feeling or a pain or just regularly how you feel. There have been some amazing bands this century that have written songs that have basically been a reflection of my heart and soul. It leads me to believe that the oneness that I have been learning about and trying to live is so real that it is beyond our understanding.
Anyway this song called Taste of the Floor is on Have Heart's new record called Songs to Scream at the Sun. The whole album is just chock full of songs that I can relate to, but this one in particular makes me scream it at the sun.
These lyrics remind me of someone I love very much that I just cannot forget. Pat might as well of been an angel on my shoulder for him to write this song. It really means a lot to me and when Have Heart just played it he dedicated it to Punk Rock Kim and everyone else that feels the loss of someone they love deeply. That shit meant a lot to me!
The Taste of The Floor
by Have Heart
words by Patrick Flynn
www.myspace.com/haveheart
The Taste of the Floor reminds me of the skin
that leaves me in oceans of my soul
without a shore
So alone
So we'll Hold
those barren bodies
bereft of any soul
to get back what
the "middle of the nights" stole:
the forgotten feeling of feeling whole
but the loneliness
of our togetherness
creates an empty nest
for the emptiness
freezing in this chest.
so can you make me feel good?
Make me feel complete?
help me return to a dream of a love
worth more than
dirt and meat.
If you want to hear this song buy the new CD from Have Heart at www.bridge9.com or hit up I tunes on July 8th to buy this song.
---------------------
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Music is Everything
Music is everything and has constantly saved my life time and time again. Especially since 2000 and on music has played a main part in my existence. Here are a list of hardcore, punk or whatever bands that have saved my life these last few years especially. I highly recommend that you check each and everyone of these bands on myspace.
Go it Alone
Sinking Ships
Have Heart
Verse
At Half Mast
Hostage Calm/At All Costs
Attitude
Allegiance
Blue Monday
Miles Away
Get the Most
Soul Control
The Effort
Champion
The First Step
Vanguard
The Answer
Stop At Nothing
Never Looking Back
Broken
The Gits
The Pist
The Rakes Progress
D Generation
The Carrier
I Object
Tear it Up
Think I care
Blacklisted
I Rise
3 Doors Down
Face to Face
Shipwreck
Live (as always)
Tori Amos for keeping me in touch with my feminine side.
The Midnight Creeps
the Unseen
Reaching Forward
and the list goes on and on and on.
The only time I am not thinking about my sadness is when I am at hardcore show. For some reason when I am there it is like all the pain, sadness, regret and lost love that has been plaguing me for 15 years fades away. But usually after a show I cannot sleep and home becomes a den of remembrance and longing for that feeling I have missed for so long-the same pain that the show numbed becomes amplified in the after show crash. That feeling of home I long for and I am not talking about the place I was born or grew up in.
Music is the drug that makes me forget my pain for just a second, while I am screaming the lyrics to the sun and anyone else who will listen because I know that when the song ends the pain still remains.
Music really is fucking everything.
-
kpr
Go it Alone
Sinking Ships
Have Heart
Verse
At Half Mast
Hostage Calm/At All Costs
Attitude
Allegiance
Blue Monday
Miles Away
Get the Most
Soul Control
The Effort
Champion
The First Step
Vanguard
The Answer
Stop At Nothing
Never Looking Back
Broken
The Gits
The Pist
The Rakes Progress
D Generation
The Carrier
I Object
Tear it Up
Think I care
Blacklisted
I Rise
3 Doors Down
Face to Face
Shipwreck
Live (as always)
Tori Amos for keeping me in touch with my feminine side.
The Midnight Creeps
the Unseen
Reaching Forward
and the list goes on and on and on.
The only time I am not thinking about my sadness is when I am at hardcore show. For some reason when I am there it is like all the pain, sadness, regret and lost love that has been plaguing me for 15 years fades away. But usually after a show I cannot sleep and home becomes a den of remembrance and longing for that feeling I have missed for so long-the same pain that the show numbed becomes amplified in the after show crash. That feeling of home I long for and I am not talking about the place I was born or grew up in.
Music is the drug that makes me forget my pain for just a second, while I am screaming the lyrics to the sun and anyone else who will listen because I know that when the song ends the pain still remains.
Music really is fucking everything.
-
kpr
Gay Pride Seattle 2008
I was my own float for the pride parade this year in seattle. I rode my bike up and down in between the floats throwing out TCM stickers with my blue cock from one of my strap ons sticking out from the zipper of my punker shorts.
Even though I am not very good at being queer, it was a good day and I am learning to be true to the gender rebel that I am.
Here's to the struggle, here's to the end.
Even though I am not very good at being queer, it was a good day and I am learning to be true to the gender rebel that I am.
Here's to the struggle, here's to the end.
Images of You
Images of You
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
I cannot get you out of my heart, mind and spirit. All I have left are these images that are not suppose to be painful. Nobody knows my sorrow, nobody knows my pain. At the end of the day, I still have the clown's sad face painted on and I am here to say it is not a mask. I feel sad all the time about us. I have been sad since 1994 and I have searched everywhere for the key to unlock me from this painful prison. I have looked within and I have looked without--nothing but pain in sight. When I go within I see our past lives flooding my mind like a killer tsunami, when I look without I just see all the love that is not for me.
I am in a holding pattern over the airport of life. No one understands how everything has been ripped apart. I wish I could go back in time with a handful of tape and glue, to put together again the life that we wanted.
I sit here alone, haunted by these images of you from this life and the 16,000 lifetimes we lived before. Sometimes I wish there was a war that would wipe me out like all the times before, this time I need it.
Fuck these images in my mind.
Tearing me apart.
Leaving pieces of us everywhere I go,
when you need me, just follow the trail of blood and pain and those images of you all ripped up in my mind.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
I cannot get you out of my heart, mind and spirit. All I have left are these images that are not suppose to be painful. Nobody knows my sorrow, nobody knows my pain. At the end of the day, I still have the clown's sad face painted on and I am here to say it is not a mask. I feel sad all the time about us. I have been sad since 1994 and I have searched everywhere for the key to unlock me from this painful prison. I have looked within and I have looked without--nothing but pain in sight. When I go within I see our past lives flooding my mind like a killer tsunami, when I look without I just see all the love that is not for me.
I am in a holding pattern over the airport of life. No one understands how everything has been ripped apart. I wish I could go back in time with a handful of tape and glue, to put together again the life that we wanted.
I sit here alone, haunted by these images of you from this life and the 16,000 lifetimes we lived before. Sometimes I wish there was a war that would wipe me out like all the times before, this time I need it.
Fuck these images in my mind.
Tearing me apart.
Leaving pieces of us everywhere I go,
when you need me, just follow the trail of blood and pain and those images of you all ripped up in my mind.
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